2015 is a nice number. It’s also quite an intimidating year, as anything ending with a five or a zero has a sort of finite ring to it. When I was in college, 2015 seemed like it was light years away, but time has certainly crept up on me like a hungry tiger seeking out drunk and laughably slow prey.
As a form of catharsis or an exploration of my lack of drive, I decided to list out what I thought 2015 would bring versus my current waking reality.
Former Me: By 2015, I will be in a stable, nurturing relationship.
Current Me: It would be nice to arbitrarily wake up next to someone who makes a lot of money.
Former Me: By 2015, I will have a heavily padded savings account, and I’ll be well on my way toward buying a house with my significant other.
Current Me: Screw it, I’m getting a studio. All I want in life is a reclaimed wood coffee table and ironic needlepoint accents on every open surface.
Former Me: By 2015, I will be in excellent shape and have rock-hard abs.
Current Me: I save money and look better if I skip meals and walk instead of taking a cab. I’m like the Ghandi of Manhattan. Who needs the gym?
Former Me: By 2015, I will have a clear direction of what I want to do with my career and life.
Current Me: *wakes up in a haze* Where am I? What time is it?
Former Me: By 2015, I will be elevated, sophisticated, and informed on all manners of etiquette.
Current Me: At least I politely ask for napkins at the $1 pizza stands.
Former Me: By 2015, I will have at least one investment bag and a wardrobe full of timeless clothes.
Current Me: I cut the decaying straps off the Louis Vuitton bag I got at an estate sale and now look — it’s a clutch!
Former Me: By 2015, I will wake up early to get my hair and makeup done.
Current Me: If I don’t look at myself in the mirror before I leave, then I won’t have to feel bad about my appearance.
Former Me: By 2015, I will have taken up yoga or spinning or some other cool, urban hobby.
Current Me: Why the hell would I pay $35 for a Soul Cycle class? I can blast EDM and yell at myself for free.
Former Me: By 2015, I will be more confident in myself and my abilities.
Current Me: You idiot why did you have to become a writer you should have gone into finance stupid stupid stupid stupid.
Former Me: By 2015, I will have let go of past grudges and people who weren’t right for me.
Current Me: I guess the best part of social media is when people leave you for professional bloggers, you get to see them and their new BAEs on every fucking digital platform.
Former Me: By 2015, I will be more responsible about my health and eating habits.
Current Me: My friend made me dinner last night and then we drank two bottles of wine and a lot of scotch. On the bright side, I woke up with my nails painted. That was a nice surprise.
Former Me: By 2015, I will not hate the player or the game.
Current Me: The only “Merry Christmas” texts I sent were to Christian dudes I want to bang.
Former Me: By 2015, I will be a published author.
Current Me: *looks around at all the empty liquor and wine bottles scattered around the apartment*
Former Me: By 2015, I will be a better person.
Current Me: I’ll see you in hell..
Image via Shutterstock