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What Guys Say On Dates Versus What They’re Actually Thinking

date night

“I’m tired of the whole dating thing.”

What He’s Thinking: “I don’t have the money or patience for this shit anymore, so I really hope you’re mostly sane.”

Explanation: Everyone is tired of the whole dating thing. Who the hell wants to drive to a restaurant to meet a human he or she has probably barely spoken to in hopes that this person turns out to be romantically interesting three times a week? It’s a nightmare. We want stability and comfort just as much as you, so don’t be a crazy person, okay?

“I really like your eyes.”

What He’s Thinking: “I have thoughts about your body, but they’re my thoughts.”

Explanation: Girls, we’re checking out your bodies as soon as you walk in the door. It’s not brutish or caveman behavior–it’s natural instinct. Don’t get all self-conscious about it, either. If we’re complimenting you, it’s because we like what we see and we think you’re an enjoyable human to be around.

“I’m still at the stage of figuring out what I want in life.”

What He’s Thinking: “I’m not going to put a ring on it anytime soon, so I hope you’re not either.”

Explanation: We don’t want to say, “I don’t see myself getting married for at least seven years,” because right off the bat, we’re telling you that a relationship with us is going nowhere fast. In all likelihood, you’re probably not vying to get married either, but if there’s one rule of international relations that applies to dating, it’s “never take the nuclear option off the table.”

“I like a girl who’s cool with eating a steak.”

What He’s Thinking: “I don’t wanna hear about your vegan bullshit. Also, please don’t construe this as permission to get fat.”

Explanation: Guys like girls who can eat. It’s frustrating to be around a girl all the time who eats fruit and vegetables and the occasional tiny fish filet, because all they’ll do is complain about how hungry they are and throw us dirty looks when we dig into something tasty. I’m not saying you have to rip through cheeseburgers every day. Just eat what you want, have some self control, and lift some weights. It’s not going to give you the body of a powerlifter, I promise.

“We should do this again soon.”

What He’s Thinking: “I want to go out with you again.”

Explanation: Scheduling the second date at the tail end of the first date is a risky move. She may be on the fence about us and need a couple days to get more creepy OkCupid messages to realize that we’re the best thing she has going on right now. Plus, there’s no good way to say, “Are you free next Tuesday?” without a slight twinge of desperation.

“I’ll call you sometime.”

What He’s Thinking: “I never want to go out with you again.”

Explanation: The “sometime” is what is key here. Dates can’t end without some sort of lip service about hanging out again, unless it was just a total trainwreck. We’re not flaky, we’re trying to be nice–but if we don’t make you sound like a priority, it’s because you aren’t.

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Randall J. Knox

Randall J. Knox (known colloquially to his friends as "Knox") left his native Texas a few years ago, and moved to Los Angeles in his '03 Buick Regal named LeRoi to write movies with his jackass college buddies. His favorite things in life include bourbon that's above his pay grade, mix CDs, and Kevin Costner films. He isn't sure what "dad jeans" are exactly, but he knows he wants a pair.

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