Hitting on people is easier said than done. To be fair, it’s in our nature to attempt to a certain extent. And yeah, sure. Guys typically stick to simply saying, “Can I buy you a drink?” and girls stick to rattling off about the one professional athlete they actually care about and giggling behind their bangs. But for the most part, we all usually fuck it up as much as humanly possible and just hope that the other person is either too drunk or desperate to notice.
But to be totally honest (and yes, I see the irony in this statement as I write it) the time a girl lies through her teeth the most is when she’s flirting. Amy Schumer said it best when she mimed sweeping the crazy under the rug for a few months and how it would be a really “fun” surprise once it comes a’crawling out. But if you let it all out when you were just in the flirting stage well, you too would probably be writing this with Proactiv spot treatment on your face after watching Miss America.
What She Says: “Oh my God, your dog is so cute! Can I hold her?”
What She Means: “Look at me cradling this precious, delicate thing that you care about so, so much. Pretend she’s a baby. A human baby. Yeeeeah, that’s it. PRETEND IT.”
What She Says: *Sees another girl, whether on TV or IRL* “Oh wow, she’s hot.”
What She Means: “But I’m hotter because you can actually get with me, right?”
What She Says: “I don’t know if I should get another drink, I’m already feeling this one.”
What She Means: “Get me so liquored up that I am absolutely convinced you look like Miles Teller and I only regret going down on you a little tomorrow morning.”
What She Says: “Your major/graduate studies/PHD candidacy sounds super interesting…”
What She Means: “How much will you be making per year? Aaaaand in five years?”
What She Says: “Next round is on me.”
What She Means: “And then I’m going home. Alone.”
What She Says: (After telling a story) “Isn’t that the craziest thing you’ve ever heard?”
What She Means: “Look how adventurous I am! You’re totally picturing doing me in a rainforest right now. Why a rainforest? I don’t know! But I’m so crazy and baller!!! (Do people still say ‘baller’?)”
What She Says: “Do you wanna dance? I fucking LOVE ‘What Do You Mean’!!!”
What She Means: “Maybe if I squeeze my eyes shut hard enough I can really believe (sorry – BELIEB) you’re Justin Bieber.”
What She Says: **Says nothing but plays with her hair and twirls her straw with her thumb and forefinger**
What She Means: She’s not listening and is hoping Shonda Rhimes doesn’t royally fuck up Scandal this season.
What She Says: “I can totally beat you in a push-up contest.”
What She Means: “I can either beat you in a push-up contest OR I want to watch you go up and down a lot because I know I’m going to get too drunk to stay fully conscious and aware of myself and/or my surroundings when you’re doing that above me. Godspeed, sailor.”
What She Says: “U up?”
What She Means: “Please ignore this unless you were going to send me the same thing. Because I am obviously not in a place where it would be fair to judge me.”
What She Says: “Maybe I could really like you.”
Tactic Translation: “Meh! I have nothing to lose at this point.”
What She Says: “Want to just come over and watch a movie?”
What She Means: “If you don’t even let me get 20 minutes in I’m going to be offended. BUT if you don’t try and cop a feel at the 20 minute mark I will ALSO be offended. Your move, man. Your move.”
What She Says: “I’d totally go lezbo for Ruby Rose.”
What She Means: “Aaaaaand now you’re thinking about me with another girl. Jackpot.”
What She Says: “You look really familiar…”
What She Means: “Have I slept with you before? *crosses fingers* Please say no, please say no, PLEASE SAY NO.”
What She Says: “Let’s do shots!”
What She Means: “Let’s never speak of this again.” .
Image via YouTube