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What Girls Are Really Thinking On The First Date

Couple fighting young woman about to cry

First dates. You either loathe them or loathe them. Those are your options. Let’s just be honest with ourselves for a moment: at this point in the game, we’re not really dating for the fun of it. You’re on a mission to not be the last one of your already-married-off friends standing, which is more of a sprint than a marathon. The dread to excitement ratio really levels out once you realize it’s go time and at that point, there’s really no going back.

  • What underwear should I wear? I can’t really tell if he’s an ass guy or a boobs guy, and if he’s an ass guy, I don’t know whether I should go with thong or boy shorts.
  • Wait. What am I even saying? Who says he’s even going to see my underwear tonight?
  • That’s right! I’m a lady!
  • A lady who hasn’t had sex in quite a while.
  • A lady who could potentially jump his bones before we even get to the restaurant.
  • I am a whore.
  • What if he doesn’t want to have sex with me?
  • What if he doesn’t even show up?
  • What if he texts me at the last minute all “but we can still be friends haha”?
  • No. I’m a smart, funny, relatively in-shape woman. Any guy would be lucky to have me.
  • I really need to go back to the gym.
  • I really don’t want to do this. I realllllly don’t want to do this. Nope. Don’t wanna do it.
  • What are some excuses that are believable enough to cancel like…right now?
  • Netflix.
  • Nutella.
  • My dog.
  • Sweat pants.
  • Pizza.
  • No pants at all with zero obligation to participate in physical activity.
  • I guess those are only good enough for me.
  • Should I bring a sweater? I don’t really know where we’re going, but what if I don’t need a sweater? Then I’m stuck keeping up with this stupid sweater all night.
  • Oh, crap. He’s here.
  • “Uh, I need like five more minutes. You can come on up if you want and wait.”
  • That was a lie. I need at least 20 minutes.
  • “Hi! Come on in. Don’t mind my apartment, it’s a mess.”
  • Also a lie. I spent all day cleaning which is why I need 20 more minutes.
  • “Do you think I’ll need a sweater?”
  • Ugh, he looks so hot, yet so casual. Should I change?
  • Oh, wow. This restaurant is pretty nice.
  • And cold. I should’ve brought my sweater.
  • HIM: “So, tell me about yourself.”
  • Uhhhhhhhhh.
  • “Well, I’m 23 and work in PR.”
  • Nice. Tell him the bare minimum. Be the least intriguing person you can possibly be. If he’s still interested after tonight, he clearly just wants you for a nice skin suit.
  • I know this is 2014 and I shouldn’t expect him to pay for dinner, but is he going to pay? Should I just offer to pay for my meal upfront? Is that being too forward? What is the protocol for this?
  • Oh, he got me. Phew, that answers that question.
  • What are we going to do after this?
  • Are we going to go back to my place? Are we going to go back to his place?
  • Am I just going to go to my place and is he just going to go to his?
  • Have I washed my sheets recently?
  • Have I left any incriminating evidence out? Too many Cosmos? Wedding magazines? Did I leave Pinterest open on my laptop?
  • That would be fun. “Hey, I know this is our first date and all, but I’ve already planned our entire life together.”
  • Am I on my period? Lol no, thank God. But seriously. Thank God.
  • Did I take my birth control today?
  • …did I take my birth control yesterday?
  • DID I TAKE MY BIRTH CONTROL AT ALL THIS WEEK?

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lnsayers

My state gave you J. Law, Clooney, two-fifths of the Backstreet Boys, and multiple fifths of bourbon. I gave you a cover letter using Brian McKnight lyrics. Psuedo-adult by day; PGP, TFM, and TSM contributor by night. Please don't ask me to do math.

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