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What An Accurately “Great Gatsby”-Themed Wedding Would Look Like

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Say what you will about “The Great Gatsby.” Whether you love or hate “the true American novel,” you can’t ignore this trend of mislabeling “Gatsby” as a romance rather than a #blessed downward spiral of moral decay. It desperately needs to stop. Sure, the novel led to two popular movies. And yes, two of the main characters are in love–or at the very least toy with the idea of it. However, none of this deems the book an appropriate wedding theme.

“But,” says the fiancée, twirling her hair while crafting her wedding boards on Pinterest with rabid fervor, “then I’ll make it a Fitzgerald-themed wedding. Scott and Zelda were like, the greatest love story, like, ever.”

Well, wrong again. He was a raging alcoholic and she was an uninhibited lunatic. They had a few good years before they went off their respective deep ends, but Zelda was in and out of too many mental hospitals to allow them to be together for long stretches of time. They famously wrote each other tons of love letters and were each others’ guiding lights for their entire lives, but their relationship should not be placed on a pedestal. Or used as a comparison for a healthy union.

This is a wonderful and honest piece of literature, and people who skipped high school English class to get high behind the gym need to stop bastardizing it. At the very least, read the SparkNotes before throwing $40,000 on a party celebrating something that has a 50 percent survival rate.

My only hope is that the tags and keywords embedded in this post will become a catalyst to discovery. Hopefully, the next bride to Google ” ‘Gatsby’-themed wedding ideas” will realize what she’s doing–or she’ll be so drunk off cheap Chardonnay and fumes from spray paint DIY monograms that she’ll go ahead and incorporate them into the big day somehow.

Here’s how an actual “Great Gatsby”-themed wedding would go.

Instead of dividing the wedding party based on who knows the bride or groom, respectively label sides East Egg and West Egg. Seat guests based on their inferred wealth or how trashy their outfit is.

Have the best man narrate the entire wedding Nick Carraway-style in lieu of a drunken speech.

If a speech is required, the best man has to start with, “The loneliest moment in someone’s life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart, and all they can do is stare blankly.”

The bride and groom should choose their flower girl based on her looks rather than her IQ as a testament to what the couple wishes of their future child: “I hope she’ll be a fool–that’s the best thing a girl can be in this world, a beautiful little fool.”

There shouldn’t be any hanging lanterns, Christmas lights, or chandeliers–just bare, eerie, green bulbs.

The mothers-in-law will receive a gift of the framed quote, “Reserving judgements is a matter of infinite hope.”

All exes and past (and current) side pieces will be invited to the wedding because, “Can’t repeat the past?…Why of course you can!”

One of the drunk bridesmaids will yell across the lawn at the bride, “They’re a rotten crowd… You’re worth the whole damn bunch put together,” before puking into one of the champagne fountains.

And finally, after the happy couple passes out after the party and awakens to realize they can’t consummate the marriage: “What’ll we do with ourselves this afternoon,” [cries the bride], “and the day after that, and the next thirty years?”

But fear not, a month later the birth announcement will read, “It takes two to make an accident.”

(All quotes taken from “The Great Gatsby,” by F. Scott Fitzgerald)

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sarahsolfails

Writer in NYC. To quote Dr. Seuss, "Being crazy isn't enough."

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