Guys have it easy. If you’re a real man, you wear boxer briefs. They’re the perfect mixture of comfort and style, the Chrysler 300 Limited of underpants. If you’re a douche, you still wear boxers. More power to you, but maybe pull up your pants a little, because I don’t really care to see the Guinness boxer shorts you got when you bought that 12-pack from the store. Try a belt, jackass. If you’re my dad, you’re wearing a banana hammock–and would you PLEASE put on some pants? You’re embarrassing yourself in the middle of Temple.
But nobody really cares about what kind of underwear guys wear, right? As always, it’s all about the ladies. I mean, you probably clicked on this underwear column to see if there would be pictures of various butts in here, right? And hopefully, I will not disappoint. Because, really, that’s what life is all about, right? Looking at pictures of butts? Absolutely. God bless America.
What was I doing again? Oh, right. The underwear bit. Here’s what the ladies have going on downstairs.
If you wear bikini bottoms, you’re a fan of the classics. You’re practical, classy, and you don’t give a fuck about what other people think, but that doesn’t mean you’re not sexy. Far from it. Confidence is hot, and if you rock bikini bottoms, you know exactly what you’ve got down there–you don’t need a piece of dental floss between your ass cheeks to show off that butt. While some guys will call you boring, real men will recognize you as a cool, confident chick and as a sexual dynamo. Can’t beat the classics.
These are exactly what I picture Mila Kunis and Anna Kendrick wearing all day, every day. In my wildest fantasies, when I’m rifling through Mila Kunis’ underwear drawer, it’s through the drawers that her drawers are full of. (What can I say? My sexual fantasies are weird.) This is your typical “cool chick” who constantly parades around the house in nothing but boy shorts and a fitted Washington Redskins T-shirt, the team’s racist overtones be damned. And she looks GOOD. She’s cool as hell and will sit on the couch drinking beer with you watching the game, but as soon as halftime begins, she’ll roll over, mount you, and start making out with you. You’d better finish before the third quarter starts, though, or God help you, she’ll put you on waivers.
Editor’s note: I can’t post a picture of a thong. Sorry, dudes and lady lovers alike.
This article right here is lettin’ all the ladies know what guys talk about. You know, the finer things in life. Check it out.
Sisqó, widely regarded as one of our nation’s greatest prophets, clearly knew what he was talking about. There are very few sights that can make a grown man weep with tears of awe and amazement as a great ass in a thong. Much like the girl who wears the bikini bottoms, she’s got confidence with a bit of bite, a slight edge…and maybe even a bit of self-consciousness. Clearly she’s not just wearing this for your amusement–she’s trying to eliminate any risk of VPL. (Visible Panty Line, for those of you who aren’t perverts like me.) Bigger underwear shows up beneath dresses, yoga pants, and such. Thongs are subtle, though, at least until you pop off whatever’s hiding them from the world. There is the risk of the top of a thong peeking out of a girl’s pants whenever she sits down, especially if the lady is wearing jeans, but hey, I’m not complaining. Seeing that was the only thing that got me through middle school.
Of course, if you want to eliminate the risk of any lines, you can always go…
Ladies, if you’re going commando, you’re either really lazy, really horny, or some fun combination of both. Not enough time or money to do laundry? Breaking in really tight, new pants? Or do you just want to change it up a bit? Good for you, girl. You do you. You are just all out of fucks to give, and that’s pretty damn cool and very damn sexy. Just do yourself a favor and don’t wear a skirt. Or a dress. And if you do, avoid sitting down in public. Or windy days. You never know what could happen, and you don’t need ANOTHER indecent exposure charge on your record.
Same thing again.
G-string wearers, let me know if you’ve ever had this conversation with your S.O.:
“Honey, have you seen my phone charger?”
“Is this it?”
“No, sweetie, that’s my underwear. Keep looking.”
Seriously, I don’t get the appeal of G-strings. I mean, I understand the idea behind them–it’s a nice, big tushie in the biggest frame possible. It’s like putting an ass on a billboard in Times Square with the caption “Dat Azz.” But, like, what’s the point of G-strings? What do they cover? What do they do? It’s like putting a thin bungee cord up your ass. What could that possibly do for you other than show off? Well, unless you want to go rock climbing and you don’t have a harness. Then you could just strap the carabiner up to the string and go to town.
For your sake, I will definitely not post a picture.
Gentlemen, this can only mean one thing. PERIOD. THE MENZIES!!! RUUUUNNN!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!! BEFORE THE BEARS START ATTACKING!!!