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What A Girl’s Job Says About Her Personality

Here we go again. Knox is taking one single part of a person’s life and making broad stroke assumptions about how it defines him or her as a human being. Well you know what, straw man reader? Fuck you. Just kidding, you make a good point. However, I’d say the arguments below hold water pretty well. I’ve had the good (and bad) fortune to meet all sorts of women in various employment fields, and you know what? There really are some trends about what a woman’s chosen profession means about the kind of girl/lady/woman/broad she is. Here are a few I’ve hit on in my journeys.

1. Attorney

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She thinks she’s smart. It doesn’t matter whether she is or not, by the way. All that matters is she believes, nay, knows she is. If she’s as smart as she thinks, awesome. But if she lacks basic common sense and fudges her way through her work, get ready. The dumb attorney is a ticking time bomb. Yes, this applies to both sexes, but I’m talkin’ about women here, people! But let’s stick with the positives. She likes money, but she also wants to make a difference–unless she’s a corporate lawyer. If this is the case, just be happy you’re with someone who can pay for everything. She’s also used to taking shit from people who assume that she, being a woman, is ill-equipped for this profession. Be prepared to take a stiletto heel to the groin if you get involved in all that. Well, unless you’re into that sort of thing, in which case, congrats.

2. Teacher

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You can extrapolate a lot about a woman who loves kids so much, she wants to spend her entire career being around them. She’s kind, compassionate, empathetic, and is willing to go out of her way to help people. She’s also extraordinarily good at playing the martyr. Teachers are underappreciated for sure, but they knew that going in. So, in some ways, they subconsciously want to be in a position where they know people will give them respect–they can also passive-aggressively channel this kind of attitude into the rest of their lives. I love all my teacher friends, but they are experts at playing the “poor little me” card without actually appearing as if they’re complaining. It’s actually quite impressive. If you know a teacher, you know she probably drinks. A LOT. If you ever wondered why all the education majors at your school were the girls who loved to party and get down with the “sickness,” but your teachers growing up were so squeaky clean, it’s because they lied to you. Teachers are, and always have been, boozy fuck monsters. Hope that ruins your memories of third grade.

3. Marketing, PR, Or Recruiting

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I’m lumping all of these together because they’re all similarly nebulous, they exist in the same sphere, and they essentially have the same job requirements. I worked in corporate recruiting for a while, and you’d be surprised how many girls have that job. However, when you break it down, it makes a lot of sense. This type of job is heavily reliant on a person’s ability to talk on the phone (check), it requires having no problem pulling shady moves to get your commission, and it can pay A LOT if a person’s good at it. Being attractive is also a big bonus for getting clients or candidates on board with you quickly (that’s not misogyny, it’s sociology). What you end up with after you mix together all the ingredients is a group of women who are tenacious, eloquent, ruthless, and lifestyle-oriented. What does that add up to? Beautiful, well-dressed, women who are FANTASTIC in bed. Seriously. They also don’t take shit from anyone–in both good and bad ways. They’ll tell you exactly what they want, but they also won’t give much of a shit what you think. If you find one whose opinions and goals line up with your own, godspeed.

4. Nurse

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She’s probably smart. Nursing school is fucking hard, unless you manage to cheat and squeak your way through. I’m not sure why anyone would want to do that, though, given nurses can either save someone’s life or they can’t. Anyway, she also reacts well to stress, because it’s a daily part of her job. Holy shit this girl is bossy, though. I’ve never met a non-bossy nurse. Ever. Even the easygoing ones will tell you exactly what they think about you and exactly what they want for themselves. This can actually be really refreshing. A nurse isn’t going to play the hourlong “Where should we get dinner?” game. She also won’t put up with you being a big baby about shit. She has to deal with enough whiney people at work.

5. Blogger Or Writer

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Bloggers are a lot like attorneys. If they have any sort of public profile (and often, even if they don’t) they’re going to be very confident in their own opinions about themselves and the world around them. This is a fact that seems to conflict with their highly original, self-deprecating writing style. If a girl identifies herself as a blogger but doesn’t have nearly the readership to be self-sufficient, watch the fuck out. She either has an actual day job but calls herself a writer at heart, which is a red flag, or she lives off of her parents’ money, which is not a red flag–it’s a fucking Geiger counter going bonkers. Run.

Okay, so those are the mean things. I enjoy poking at other writers because most of them couldn’t beat up a 5-year-old’s birthday cake. Don’t worry, though, there are some good things, too. Professional writers or bloggers can be awesome in relationships. In order to get popular, you usually have to have a pretty good grasp on how other people perceive the world. This is a good quality for someone you’re dating to have. You also have to be well-written (which implies well-spoken, usually) and funny. Like, actually funny. Not “you can tell from the way I write that the only books I’ve ever read were authored by Chelsea Handler” funny. If you get lucky, the self-deprecating part of her personality comes through in real life, without all the baggage of being as anxiety-ridden and childish as her hyperbolic rants suggest.

(I know all of this because I basically just described a female version of myself.)

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Randall J. Knox

Randall J. Knox (known colloquially to his friends as "Knox") left his native Texas a few years ago, and moved to Los Angeles in his '03 Buick Regal named LeRoi to write movies with his jackass college buddies. His favorite things in life include bourbon that's above his pay grade, mix CDs, and Kevin Costner films. He isn't sure what "dad jeans" are exactly, but he knows he wants a pair.

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