Welcome to Knox’s School Of Wild Conclusions Based On Shitty Evidence. Grab a beer and take a seat. Our topic today is how to determine everything you need to know about a girl based on what drink she orders at the bar. Everything presented in this column is completely factual, and in no way total bullshit. Enjoy.
1. Gin And Tonic
She’s grown up a little bit, and she’s graduated to more refined drinks than what she used to drink in college. She’s a regular drinker (people who order gin always are) and while she likes a hint of citrus in her beverage, she doesn’t go overboard with it. She’s a professional, career-oriented woman who won’t take any shit from anyone.
2. Vodka Red Bull
Total party girl. She gets fucked up with her girlfriends and yells at bartenders for not serving them immediately. She’s not always annoying, though. She enjoys a good time, and she doesn’t discriminate against those who enjoy getting heavily liquored up as a hobby. Plus, she’s an old pro at the whole one-night stand thing, which means you don’t have to give her subtle hints to leave in the morning or call her a cab. The downside of this is that you’re tossing your hot dog into a bun that’s held all kinds of meats before you. Take that how you will.
Depends on who’s paying for it. If she is, she might just be too poor to afford liquor. That’s cool, no judgment here. However, if you’re buying, then she’s definitely trying to prove a point, which is “I’m low maintenance, I swear.” She’ll tell you all about her favorite sports teams, action movies, and rap albums, and that’s great if she’s really into all that. If she’s putting it on as an affectation, it’s going to get really old, really fast. Yeah, we get it. Chicks can dig porn as much as dudes, but you don’t have to talk loudly about it in this nice restaurant I brought you to.
4. Tequila Shots
“Hey, do you wanna–”
5. Vodka Cranberry
She’s kind of a booze lightweight. In fact, she’d probably just rather not drink at all, but she has peer pressuring friends who are always trying to get her drunk. Cranberry is the strongest flavor out there, so at least it covers up the taste of most of the vodka. If she sips it through a straw, she can usually manage to keep it all down without making a face. You can go try to hit on her if you want, but she already has a subservient boyfriend back at the apartment, waiting on his orders. Just make sure she’s not in the area when you talk to her friends, because she is most certainly the den mother and hookup buzzkill.
6. Bourbon On The Rocks
She is similar to the beer girl, and she wants to prove that she doesn’t give a fuck if James Brown thinks it’s a man’s world. The bourbon girl is a little more refined, though. She’s really thought this whole “I wanna be the cool girl” thing through, and that’s not a bad thing. Most girls turn up their noses at the taste of straight whiskey, so at least she’s committed. Like all the rest of us bourbon drinkers out there, once she got the taste for it, nothing else was quite as good. She drank the honey brown Kool-Aid, and now she’s one of you.
Also, she can probably kick your ass.
She’s either the designated driver for her group of friends or she’s in sobriety. In either case, it means that she’s a responsible person, either by keeping her friends safe or acknowledging that she has a problem. In both cases, that probably makes her the most enjoyable person in the bar, if not the most likely to hop in an Uber back to your place after yelling at each other over the music for an hour about how much you both love Beyoncé. Take her number and ask her out later. Worst case scenario, she falls off the wagon and forgets about you.