I don’t know a lot of things. I don’t know why I should make my bed, I don’t know what actually goes into a 401k, I don’t know why I’m supposed to change my oil. I’m just telling the truth, guys. Troll lightly.
But one of the things I absolutely understand (generally lacking of adulthood comprehension aside) is how to judge fellow estrogen bins. And by estrogen bins, I mean women. I know how to break them apart and analyze them based on details they didn’t even know existed. They thought they were just sitting down in a Zumiez shirt with a pint glass full of Rainier ready to shoot the shit when, in reality, things were starting to stop being polite and start getting real because I was there staring them down.
The thing about girls is that, whether you have a Buzzfeed quiz there to help you or not (seriously, they’re scary right sometimes), you will able to decipher a whole lot about their personality based on what concoction they order from the bartender. You can learn everything about a girl based on alcohol if you listen close enough. So please don’t get me arrested or electrocuted, because I have a lot to share. And their drink choice is just the beginning.
Bud Light Lime
Unless you’re at a barbecue, an open bar, or it’s mid-summer (you can drink whatever you want during the summer or on a boat, those are the exceptions) this girl is a cheap date. She obviously just got away from being the girl who “didn’t like beer” unless she was blacked out and being lifted up over a keg. But she doesn’t like it enough to stomach anything other than a BLL or a Blue Moon. If you’re not looking to learn her middle name, or see her when the sun is up, get four of them in her and you’ll be good to go. If you want a shot at having an actual meal with this one, you should probably get her a water because chances are, she’s a lightweight and won’t remember meeting you otherwise.
Girls who openly drink Bud Light Lime give zero fucks. She’s the one doing a shoot and reload in the bathroom during a night out or the one making her Uber driver take her through the Taco Bell drive through. She can be fun, but sometimes a little too much. Tread carefully.
Crazy Chance: 7/10
Hate to be the bearer of bad news if you were hoping to feed her romantically while Andrea Bocelli plays in the background, but vodka soda drinkers aren’t eating. She’s not, even if you are, and she’s going to get wasted. She’s worried about the calories in beer, the grape she ate for lunch, and probably the lemon wedge in said vodka soda. She also doesn’t know enough about alcohol to know how to order anything else, so she just sticks to Old Faithful – the Vodka Soda.
If you get with a voddy soda drinker you’re setting yourself up to get a lot of belligerent texts around midnight every Saturday. Sometimes, they’ll be coherent and just “Come over at 1.” But sometimes they’ll be “why don’T u everr want me toooo see youre FrieNds?” and good luck getting away from that one. Even when she sobers up, seeing that text is going to linger in the back of her mind and even though you aren’t dating, you’re going to fight. Not just a regular fight. No, she is going to cry, and you are going to feel really bad even though you don’t know what you did.
A vodka soda drinker is Forever 21 come to life. Sparkly, fun for a minute, but bound to fall apart the second you let her into an adult situation.
Crazy Chance: 9/10
Complicated Mixed Drink (Ideally Named Something With Wordplay)
She absolutely has a Marilyn Monroe quote decal above her bed. She’s definitely wearing leggings and is one of those girls who posted a #nomakeup selfie on Instagram where she was clearly wearing makeup. “Bang Bang” was her JAM, and she’s really excited for the Taylor Swift world tour this summer because Taylor just “gets her.”
The mixed drink girl is the basic to end all basics. Take the little sprinkling of basic-ness that all white girls have, and throw it into a blender and top it with low-fat KoolWhip because “she’s been really good this week”– that’s this girl. She’s ordering annoying drinks and saying annoying catchphrases with all of her friends because SURPRISE: she’s annoying. This is the kind of girl that if I catch one of y’all going after I look for a newspaper to swat you across your face like a puppy who just peed in the kitchen.
STOP IT. No. Just no.
You should ask for her ID, because unless she’s with a bachelorette party, I think there’s a chance she’s underage.
Bang-ability: 0/10 (Mostly because of the underage thing. If she’s over 21 she gets a 0.08. I’m being generous.)
Crazy Chance: 2/10 (Annoying and crazy are two different birds, my friend.)
Gin & Tonic
G&T drinkers are complicated. On one hand, they’re chill as fuck and just want to hang out and get a buzz on. On the other, they know the difference between good gin and basically just drinking fermented Pine Sol, so they can be picky.
A girl who wants a G&T is down with drinking in a bar alone which is either a sign that she’s cool and not going to lose her shit on you, or maybe is borderline an alcoholic. See? Complicated.
G&T drinkers aren’t afraid to be “one of the boys” but don’t often cross the line of being the girl who’s just trying too hard. You know the girl I mean. The one who’s “really into football” but only jumped on the Seahawk bandwagon when they made it to the Super Bowl? The one who claims she’s into playing video games, but by that she means Mario Kart and nothing else? Yeah I don’t mean her. A Gin Girl is down with just chilling with the guys because guys don’t sit around talking about how fat they feel. And she’ll bring snacks (that yes, you stupid assholes. are not gluten free or vegetarian), so that’s cool.
Crazy Chance: 4/10
On the surface, the flavored marg girl seems like a good time, but deep, deep down she is just a walking ball of insecurity ready to burst. She is constantly worried about what you’re thinking of her. She’s always obsessing about how she’s standing to make sure her arms are looking as skinny as possible, terrified about the possibility that her marg salt is stuck to the side of her mouth just waiting to fuck up the Insta that she has been craftily waiting to post in order to make her former bestie, the vodka soda drinker, cry out of jealously and paranoia of weight gain.
She definitely related to Paris more when The Simple Life was on and thought Nicole seemed, “I don’t know, just like… desperate.” She has perfected the art of twirling her hair nonchalantly and will definitely tell all of your friends that you’re gay when you eventually dump her ass because you realize you don’t like hanging out at cantinas shit-talking Shelby and Clare every night.
Crazy Chance: 10/10 (She’s a bitch. And not the fun kind. The kind that will light your stuff on fire in the yard to prove a point. Protect yourself, protect your stuff.)
White Wine is for summer afternoons and bougie ladies at country clubs who are living off of family money… or dudes who are avoiding hangovers, apparently. Red wine is for winners who aren’t fucking afraid of anything. #TeamRed
Red wine drinkers aren’t desperate. You won’t find them crawling around a sports bar in a mini skirt even though it is 20-below just hoping someone asks to buy them a drink. They have a job and can buy their own drink thank you very much. A girl whose drink of choice is red wine probably has a savings account with more than the $5 in it necessary to keep the account open. But she’s been through enough ragers to know how to hang with the best of them and will forgive you if you make her cry on the sidewalk when she’s just trying to get your drunk-ass a cab. *cough* deFries *cough*
Red wine drinkers are mature enough to handle their alcohol so they won’t embarrass you at family Thanksgiving. They also probably brought a few bottles with because they’re smart enough to recognize that their own buzz is their responsibility and oh yeah, it’s polite.
Red Wine drinkers are awesome. Marry her. I will get gin drunk at your wedding.
Crazy Chance: 4/10
“Whiskey on the rocks. Whatever your well is.”
Ohhhhhhkaayyyyyy. Whatever this girl is trying to prove. WE GET IT. Seriously, she can calm the eff down. We understand that if life is Training Day, we are all Ethan Hawke and she is Denzel. She will kill us or go down trying, and it’s only a matter of time.
Girls who drink whiskey fall into one of two camps: Either they just like it probably because of their dads, and it doesn’t matter. OR, they drink whiskey to prove the point that they can. It’s all about the fact that they can down a shot of Evan Williams without flinching, less about the fact that they actually enjoy the feeling of fire in their stomachs due to what they just swallowed. They are scary. They are the ones saying things like, “I’ll take my earrings out, I don’t care!” and putting Vaseline over their cheeks just to go stand next to another girl at the bar. Get some chill, sister. Absolutely no one is trying to fight you. We’re just trying to get our cocktails and continue talking crap about every other girl in the bar. Someone needs to tell her she’s scaring everyone. But nose goes — not it!
Crazy Chance: 9.5/10 .
Image via Shutterstock