‘Tis the season, wedding season. What little disposable income you have will go toward buying flights, hotels, rental cars, and renting shitty used clothes from Men’s Wearhouse. If you’re lucky, you actually like the jackass who’s getting married, because that’s a bitch of an expenditure for a fringe friend. Friends you grew up with met their wives in your mutual hometown but have since moved across the country and inexplicably want to have their damn weddings all the way out there. All these CoupleZillas know that ninety percent of their wedding attendees will have to travel at least 1,500 miles, and they just plain don’t give a shit.
Once you arrive $1,000 poorer, the open bar helps your anger subside and eventually you relax and have a good time at the reception – unless you’re stuck in ridiculous attire for the rest of the evening thanks to this terrible couple. You always knew they were a little weird, but this is going way too far. Thanks to the three hipster “photographers” roaming around all damn night, you’ll be memorialized in this off-purple shitsuit forever. Here are some of the worst wedding clothes you’ll most likely be forced into wear this wedding season.
Tuxedo with tails
Ah, when trying to be fancy goes wrong. Tuxes are fine, but there’s no need to overdo it and look like you took a horse-drawn carriage here from 1850s London. There’s a fine line between looking dapper and looking like a waiter at a middling steakhouse chain, and there’s really no need to test those boundaries with tails. Instead of embracing the booze-fueled reception picture game, it’s ruined because you’re dressed like a guy who charges $200 for a handjob and then spits in your face after. Unless your name has more than four words and three Roman numerals, you probably have no business in tails.
Outrageous color pattern
Hideous colors can either happen on accident or by design, which is just especially sad. If a wedding color theme is doomed from the beginning, there’s usually some bullshit childhood dream or fairy tale at fault. “Well, Carly has always loved The Little Mermaid, so the bridesmaids dresses and groomsmen ties are all that same shade of baby shit green.” Get it together, Carly, that’s not okay. You’re 33, just watch the movie when you get home. For now, you just need to concentrate on beating your biological clock and not making everyone at your wedding look like a total dildo.
“Whoa, must be Burt Reynolds or something.” Look, Smokey and the Bandit is probably my favorite movie ever, but you don’t look like seventies Burt Reynolds – you look like an asshole. I can’t believe this is actually catching on. I’m from Texas, and even I’m embarrassed for you. Philip Rivers isn’t to be admired much as a quarterback, much less as a fashion icon. Don’t follow his lead with the bolo tie, or your metaphorical team will never get past the metaphorical Broncos in the metaphorical AFC West. Metaphored.
I’m a fan of this look. But you have to go all the way and get your groomsmen matching custom boots. It wouldn’t be necessary if the term “boots” wasn’t subjective, but there’s always that one idiot that shows up in Doc Martin’s or some ankle-high metrosexual clogs parading daintily as boots. You should reevaluate this guy’s status in the pecking order of your friends, because he sucks.
I hate you.
For the sake of your future children who are already genetically programmed to have shitty taste, please just keep it simple..