We Need To Talk About Coachella Style

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Okay, we need to talk about Coachella. More specifically, we need to talk about the mass amounts of Coachella posts flooding my Instagram feed. I get it, you had the most awesome time with the most awesome people in awesome weather in Indio. Beautiful weather and hot looks aside, nothing excuses these people from the fact that they’re dressing like complete idiots and I’m here to personally call them out.

@itsashbenzo in head-to-toe REVOLVE #revolvefestival

A photo posted by REVOLVE (@revolve) on

Okay, Ashley Benson. What in God’s name possessed her to wear five-inch heels to a music festival? I guess it gives her the height advantage in a crowd, but at what point when you’re walking around a music festival is the height advantage more important than comfort? Probably zero given the fact that Ashley was 100 emoji percent in VIP and definitely not in the crowd with the rest of the peasants. Zero points for Ashley.

Girl Power 💕✌️🌸🌵 @revolve

A photo posted by @alessandraambrosio on

And then there’s Alessandra Ambrosio. Honestly, Alessandra is a perfect human specimen and my dream Angel, so I don’t even want to call her out, but enough is enough. Alessandra, you have a hot bod. You can wear a bikini top and high waisted jean shorts to a music festival because you probably weigh a total of 100 pounds. You know who can’t wear a bikini top and high waisted shorts to a music festival? Every teen from the North Shore of Chicago that will inevitably follow your lead this summer at Lollapalooza. It’s scary, Alessandra. These teens give zero fucks about having a fupa or having their butt cheeks hang out of their Forever 21 shorts. It is shocking how little self-awareness people have when it comes to high waisted denim, so honestly I think we just need to stop making it a trend. I’m begging you, Alessandra.

*Side note: Can the girl in Kobe jersey just NOT with the pigtails. She looks like a twelve-year-old child and an idiot.

These humans. ❤️ #day2 #Coachella2016

A photo posted by S A M A N T H A | M A R Q (@samanthamarq) on

Here we have a picture of Aaron Paul and his #squad. Fun fact: Aaron and his wife, Lauren, actually met at Coachella a few years ago. But I’m not here to talk about Aaron and Lauren, let’s talk about the elephant in the picture, aka Derek Hough from Dancing With The Stars being a complete douche lord by wearing a fedora and rocking that introspective pose. Actually, I’m also ninety-five percent sure he also has a spray tan (and that’s coming from someone who currently has a spray tan, so I should know). Guys with spray tans is an aggressive move in the first place, but whatever floats your festival boat, Derek.

Meanwhile, guy with the checkered shirt and hat is just classic LA. Super hipster, not trying too hard but somehow trying too hard at the same time. I can’t put my finger on it, but I just really am not into the vibe that Checkered Shirt is putting out. There isn’t a lot I completely hate about this photo with the exception of Derek Hough, but the amount of wristbands on everyone needs to be noted. Just, stop. Remember when wearing wristbands from your trip to Six Flags or the hospital was cool in fifth grade? Yeah, it’s not cool now. You’re thirty, please act accordingly.

(Personal call out — a particularly douchey guy I know showed up to a bar we were all day drinking at last month wearing a hospital wristband. Apparently he had been in the hospital the night before and was just begging for attention/someone to ask what had happened. Applause to the rest of my friends for completely ignoring him and his hospital wristband. Again, we’re late-twenties so it is time to cut that shit out.)

swiping for besties yesterday at the @tinder cabana at our party 🌸 #FORAYoasis #FORAYinthedesert

A photo posted by Kaitlynn Carter (@kaitlynn_carter) on

Finally, we have Kaitlynn and crew. I have no idea who this girl is except for the fact that Instagram thinks I may know her and she seems to be somewhat internet famous based on the amount of followers she has. Her Instagram is a treasure trove of things I hate: mirror selfies, overuse of the GIF app, multiple pics of her #squad, etc. Actually, I think the thing that really put me over the edge into the #HateKait camp was the fact that someone commented that she looked like Khaleesi in one of her pictures.

Anyway, this picture is everything that is wrong with Coachella. If you look closely, every girl in the picture is wearing something different, yet somehow they all look exactly the same. Two of them of are wearing wolves howling at the moon shirts. One is wearing a fucking white leather loin cloth over her white dress. A LOIN CLOTH! We’ve got gladiator sandals, low-slung belts, hats, bolo ties worn as necklaces, beachy wavy sex hair, high waisted denim, middle-parted hair, and round Beatles-style sunglasses. This picture has every trend that makes a girl thinks she is a hippie, when in reality she bought all this shit the week before of some website specifically catered to the festival life.

The one thing you won’t see this festival season though? Flower crowns. Flower crowns are out, y’all.

Image via Instagram

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