What’s worse than an overweight piece of trash stuffing fried food down their gullet while binge watching Making A Murderer? An overweight piece of trash that had the audacity to finally sign up for a gym membership in January. Ugh, gross.
You knew it was coming. The massive onslaught of resolutioners invading your personal gym, sweating bullets all over your personal elliptical, and throwing up embarrassingly light weights on your personal bench. Who are these people, and besides spitting on them and rolling your eyes, how should you respond?
Maybe you should try tolerating them this year. I know, I know. Tolerating something isn’t nearly as fun as dropping a nuke on Facebook calling out all the blobs of peasant scum that dared to better themselves this year for invading your temple. There’s nowhere to park, dammit! But just because you tolerate something doesn’t mean you have to like it. It really doesn’t.
Do they drop $43.50 per month and have a little tag on their keychain that the dweeb at the front desk never even scans? Yes. But other than that, they are nothing like you. They are not the finely-tuned machine that you are. The gym is your home, and it always has been. We saw you check in there, and you even told us how hard your workout was. Thanks. Everyone knows you pulled yourself out of your mother’s womb using your baby lats and biceps. Fitness has always been a way of life.
Now, it’s going to be tough for you. Sharing a gym with pond scum sounds terrible. I’m sure that circuit routine you saw in Men’s Health that requires you to use seven different pieces of gym equipment consecutively with no rest may get interrupted by some father of three that had a stint put in last year who wants to live to meet his grandkids. What an asshole. It’s almost like he doesn’t realize you’re training for a Tough Mudder and you need to look hot when you’re covered in mud shirtless wearing a viking helmet. But maybe you don’t have to tell us how this basically ruined your life, though.
Think you can let it slide this year?
What I’m asking you to do may be difficult, but it’s not impossible. Yes, you will have to find a way to let us all know you’re a real gym rat other than complaining about the undesirables that had the balls to try and not die a fat and humiliating death, but you can manage. I know it will be tempting to not-so-subtly inform Facebook how fit you are by posting that “All the machines are taken by these resolutioners that will just be gone in a month!!!!” but be strong.
This country is fat as fuck. Three-quarters of American men and over 60 percent of American women are overweight. I feel like that’s a lot, but who knows? Either way, maybe you can learn to live with them much like Jesus lived amongst the poor and the unclean. They’ll be gone soon anyway..
Image via YouTube / Buff Dudes