Everyone has their aesthetic, their niche. You have the yuppies, the WASPs, the hipsters, the scenesters, the hippies, the poets, the prepsters, the jocks, and the jerks. Surely, one of the hardest things to do is find your place in the world. The place where you fit in, where you thrive. But there’s been an emerging population of single women who’ve taken their aesthetic too far, to the point where it’s become an insufferable tribute to everything you should aspire to avoid. They’ve glorified their feminine decadence to the point of no return and have been widely encouraged by the internet at large for their devotion to degeneracy.
We get it, ladies. You really like Netflix, wine, and pizza. But it’s time to stop. The gig is up. The single-girl, Elite Daily-reading, self-loathing schtick has grown tired. We know that you want to live your life Bachelor episode to Bachelor episode. We know that every day is #NationalWineDay to you. We know that your Valentine’s Day Instagram caption is going to read, “My Valentine this year is [insert Netflix, wine, or pizza].”
You want to be funny, and three years ago, it was funny. You want it to come off like you don’t care when in reality, you really do care. You want to put out the vibe that you’re a “cool girl.” But you’re not, because you’re sitting at home, watching Netflix, guzzling pinot, and eating pizza. And if you’re not partaking in the aforementioned basic girl’s holy trinity? You get off on putting off the vibe that you are, in fact, doing it. Frankly, it’s a bizarre corner to put yourself in.
Drinking wine doesn’t make you unique. Being a sommelier does. Eating pizza doesn’t make you an individual. Taking a class on making your own dough does. And watching Netflix doesn’t set you apart, as evidenced by simply typing “netflix wine pizza” into your search bar and coming up with the following results:
17 Texts Guaranteed To Land You A Netflix And Chill Sesh
The Netflix Pizza and Wine Playlist on Spotify
15 Ways Netflix Is the Best Boyfriend You’ve Ever Had
8 Reasons I’d Rather Spend My Night With A Pizza Than A Hookup
You’re carefree. You’re current. You’ve watched every Amy Schumer special ten times over before discussing the practical themes to take away from Aziz Ansari’s Master of None. And sure, you’re relatable. But that’s solely because every other girl between the ages of 22 and 28 has adopted the same philosophy that being a trainwreck has more glory than being a career woman.
Publicly surviving off Xanax and Ambien doesn’t make you modern. It doesn’t make you a catch to be the “sweatpants, hair tied, chillin’ with no makeup on” type. It doesn’t reflect well on you when you insert “& Chill” after every thing you partake in. Being married to your DVR and buying Carlo Rossi gluggers aren’t signals that you’ve finally attained “adulting” status as a 26-year-old female. It’s embarrassing.
Growing up isn’t sitting on a couch getting drunk under a fleece blanket. Growing up isn’t living off your mom’s Netflix account. Growing up isn’t ordering an extra-large pizza and finishing it over the span of two meals. Growing up is reading something other than “7 Reasons You Should Drink Wine Instead Of Working Out” or “5 Reasons Pizza Is Better Than A Boyfriend Or Girlfriend,” because being in your twenties isn’t just an excuse to eat like shit and be a complete mess.
Sitting on your couch in an oversized sweater and no pants doesn’t make you Olivia Pope, and tweeting about it sure as shit doesn’t make you Amy Schumer. But if you want to be one of the million people out there trying to stand out by embracing laziness, be our guest. Just don’t complain when it catches up to you. .
Image via Girls HBO