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Using My Office Building’s Bathroom Might Inadvertently Make Me A Sex Offender

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Is almost becoming a sex offender on a daily basis actually a PGP? It seems more like the risk an old, mustachioed widower runs eating lunch in the park everyday. But that’s unfair! That old man’s foot almost froze off while he was fighting in the Ardennes, dammit! He doesn’t deserve your suspecting leers, you overprotective, SVU obsessed, stay at home moms. If he wants to feed the ducks and tell your kids a corny joke, he has every right. Besides, everyone knows Vietnam vets are the pervy ones. The hookers of southeast Asia do terrible things to a man’s soul.

For most people, the risk of becoming a sex offender should not be a normal part of their workday. Unfortunately, many days I find myself a poor twist of fate and an awkward angling away from receiving that government issued scarlet letter and embarking on the ultimate walk of shame, on which one must inform their neighbors that they are, quite literally, a certified pervert.

I should probably start elaborating on my unique PGP before imaginations get carried away. No, I am not taking a stroll to a local playground with an easel and some watercolors to spend the afternoon depicting children climbing the jungle gym as little nude cherubs floating around me in a gumdrop forest. All I’m doing is taking a piss. That’s also not happening at a local playground, FYI.

I’m taking a piss in my office building’s bathroom. Unfortunately the first floor of my two-floor building is taken up by a pediatrician’s office. That in and of itself shouldn’t be a problem.  Being near a pediatrician’s office shouldn’t be a hazard for any normally behaved person. Sure, it’s annoying to have to listen to a few dozen toddlers scream bloody murder as they receive their tetanus shots day in and day out, and it’s not an exaggeration to say that some of them sound so terrified it’s like they’re being ripped apart limb from limb by a boogeyman instead of being vaccinated. It gets to the point where you actually wonder if polio would be less agonizing for them. If you want to really scare trick-or-treaters next Halloween, just put on some silly scrubs, a lab coat, and hold a syringe. You’re guaranteed to bring the nightmares. Either way, I am unsettlingly desensitized to the screams of children.

Where the problem lies with the pediatrician’s office is that the bathroom adjacent to it is poorly designed. Really poorly designed. I don’t know if this architect was just terrible at his or her job, or had a sick sense of architectural humor (is that a thing?), but this bathroom could have only been designed by someone incredibly stupid or incredibly mean.

Here are the pictures:

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Here you see the door to the bathroom. Just off screen to the right is the exit to the pediatrician’s office, a gumball machine, and a sticker dispenser. In other words, children LOVE hanging out by this bathroom door.

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This is the view standing in the bathroom door. As you can see, the urinal is RIGHT there. Any child that enters has full frontal view of someone using the urinal in a normal stance. Let’s go to the telestrator, shall we?

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Any unsuspecting guy is liable to use that urinal in a normal stance, putting his junk in full view of the doorway. This might not be a problem if this were a normal office building. Most adult men don’t enter the bathroom with their eyes aimed at crotch level, whether they know where the urinals are or not. Of course this doesn’t matter when you’re talking about children. They enter the bathroom with their eyes already at crotch level. Let’s go back to the telestrator.

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Simply put, this urinal is a disaster waiting to happen. What you end up having to do is hug the wall nearest to the door, with your ass facing the doorway, which is uncomfortable. What’s worse is that when you hug the wall you expose yourself to the rest of the bathroom. That’s fine if you’re in there alone, but if not, then you’re basically forced back into the normal position, re-exposing yourself to any children potentially entering the bathroom. The worst is when you have to move opposite the person walking in. If some kid comes in while you’re hugging the wall, you then have to angle back around as they move through the bathroom to the stall. Meanwhile, the door is slowly closing, which means mid-piss you’re simultaneously trying to keep from exposing yourself to the child behind you, keep your aim true, and kick the slow-swinging door closed as you wheel around before you flash the possible gaggle of children slapping their new stickers on each other in the hallway. As far as I’m concerned, at that point it is completely fair game to kick slam that door right in a kid’s face. Kids get bumps and bruises everyday, it’s better you give them another one of those than their first glimpse at a grown man’s genitals.

Whoever designed this bathroom should burn in hell.

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Rob Fox

Rob Fox is a Senior Writer for Total Frat Move (as Bacon), Rowdy Gentleman, and Post Grad Problems. He is a graduate, without honors, from the University of Missouri. From St. Louis originally, he currently lives in Austin, Texas, and still has not admitted to his family what he does for a living. He is also prone to having wet nightmares ever since losing his virginity in a haunted house. Email: rob@grandex.co

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