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Uses For Pizza Other Than Food

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Pizza is the best. It’s not my favorite food of all time, but it’s certainly the most consistent and reliable. If a medium rare steak is Hank Aaron, pizza is Tony Gwynn. You feel me? Anyway, I’ve been thinking recently that for such a versatile and perfect dish as pizza, we sure have pigeonholed it by only using it as food. I decided to work on a few ways that we can expand pizza’s impact on our lives.

1. Pillow

I’ve never been able to find the perfect pillow. Every type I’ve tried has had something slightly wrong with it: too firm, not firm enough, doesn’t contour to my head, goes flat at night, messes up my hair more than average. There’s always something wrong. Now, I’m starting to think that maybe it’s not the type of pillow that’s to blame, but the material. I’m not talking about cotton versus feathers, either–I’m talking cloth versus dough. That’s right. A pizza pillow. Maybe the reason I never have a perfect night of sleep isn’t because of something my pillow is doing wrong, but because of something it’s not doing at all. Perhaps going to bed every night with the delectable scent of spiced meats, melted cheese, rich sauce, and soft dough wafting gently into my nose from beneath my head is the exact upgrade I need. Sure, it might be a little warm for your face at first and you’ll get grease in your hair, but isn’t that what pomade is anyway? Now when I wake up, I can skip the whole step of adding product and just style my hair as soon as I get out of bed.

2. Entertainment System

Honestly, I could stare at a fresh pizza sitting in the box for hours. Who needs Netflix when you can watch the wondrous dance of bubbling cheese and the swirling steam clouds of flavor? Every individual topping has a story if you listen closely enough. I’m not saying I’ve sat down and listened to a small chunk of sausage’s life story, but I’m definitely suggesting that you could. Pizzas have a lot of wisdom to share, guys. We only have to listen.

3. Musical Instrument

I know what you’re thinking. Pizzas aren’t built to make music. Maybe. But have you ever tried to play a song on a pizza? Yeah, me either. So how the fuck do you know? We both have a 50/50 chance of being right here, so what makes you so damn superior? That’s what I thought. For me, the question isn’t even how to play a pizza, it’s what type of music a pizza fits in with the best. Whiskey and ribs seem to have the market nailed down for country music, so that’s out, and pizza’s way too flavorful and mainstream to go the acoustic folk route. I vote intellectual pop music here. Pizza is both savory and appealing to the masses, but it’s also deeply complex in its layering of flavor. It’s like a cheesy, meaty version of Peter Gabriel doused in melodic marinara.

4. Weapon

You don’t even ever have to fight someone if you’re brandishing a pizza. You know the rule “never fight with crazy”? Well, that applies here. A guy might be ready to go toe to toe with you until you pull out a meat lovers pizza, roll it up, and wave it around like a club. He’ll immediately think you’re insane, and he’ll also realize that tangling with you probably means he’ll end up in a gutter somewhere covered in two different people’s feces.

5. Best Friend

I have many friends who I love truly, madly, and deeply, but they often fall short. They’re humans, after all. I can’t expect them to always help me with my problems or be the perfect listeners. You know who I can count on, though? If you guessed pizza, then you’ve probably been paying attention. Good job. Pizza doesn’t judge you when you do things you know you shouldn’t have done (including eating too much pizza). Pizza doesn’t get jealous when you order a different kind of food for dinner, because pizza knows that it’s even better after it spends a day in the fridge and gets reheated later. Pizza doesn’t have an ego. Pizza doesn’t make every conversation about itself. The only thing pizza cares about is being the best pizza it can be for you. So selfless. If you feel lonely this weekend, or you’re worried that your friends aren’t supporting you the way they should, why don’t you call over pizza? It won’t be around forever since you’ll definitely eat it, but for the brief, ethereal moments you spend together, it’ll be the most satisfying relationship of your life.

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Randall J. Knox

Randall J. Knox (known colloquially to his friends as "Knox") left his native Texas a few years ago, and moved to Los Angeles in his '03 Buick Regal named LeRoi to write movies with his jackass college buddies. His favorite things in life include bourbon that's above his pay grade, mix CDs, and Kevin Costner films. He isn't sure what "dad jeans" are exactly, but he knows he wants a pair.

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