Some things are too good to be true. Trust me, strip club buffets suck and most cocaine in Vegas turns out to be baking soda (or, like, so I’m told). But I’m not too proud to admit that I was duped when I wrote about the dude who allegedly solved all of life’s problems and claimed to retire at 25, only to buy a boat and sail from California to Patagonia.
Well, this morning, Dwyer Haney posted on Instagram that he’s selling his damn boat via a San Francisco-area Craigslist ad.
Freedom, Glory, and Adventure via Sailboat – $29500
Are you sitting at your desk, half-heartedly working a mediocre job, with no end in sight? Has the flame gone out of your life? Have you ever dreamed of living like a pirate, cruising the high seas, visiting distant tropical beaches, catching monstrous billfish, and sleeping with exotic beauties the world over? I’ve got good news for you.
For less than the cost of a new car, you can purchase the venerable sailing yacht Rascal and live all of those dreams and more. Is your interest piqued? Let me tell you more.
The Rascal is a 30 ft long-keeled masthead sloop, and she’s also the galloping steed of your dreams. She has been featured, topless, in Playboy, weathered hurricane force winds, and witnessed volcanic eruptions. She has repelled hostile attacks from drunken pirates, accepted lewd advances from lusty mermaids, and she is immune to the hauntingly sweet song of the sirens. She was built in an industrial shipyard in the Netherlands in 1960 of two parts burly fiberglass, one part old-world bronze (complete with weathered patina), one part stainless steel gleaned from Poseidon’s trident, and one part lead plucked from the bellies of banditos. Her sails are said to be woven from the salty, weathered beard of Neptune himself. When all the pieces came together, she was blessed by Benedictine monks that wept with joy upon seeing her beautiful lines and sturdy construction.
He then goes on to tell the story of his journey, which I already went into detail about, before trying to butter people up with stolen humor from the comedic great, Dumb & Dumber.
As captain of the Rascal, babes will flock to you like the salmon of Capistrano and you can be sure that the Rascal will take care of you like a loving mother. Purchasing the Rascal should not be taken lightly, for she’s a vessel that is coveted by many and you’ll likely be challenged to several duels for the right to take her helm. She’s exceptionally well equipped and ready to sail away to the land of your dreams tomorrow, if you so desire. You could literally quit your job today, fly to Chile tomorrow, and be sailing around in Patagonia this weekend.
He never really says why he’s selling this fuckin’ thing either. But honestly? I’m glad. Don’t piss down my boot and tell me it’s rain, bro. You’ve already done enough. The gig is up and you went on an all-out PR campaign to get people all hyped up to drop $30K on your boat. Sorry, hombre. Not today. Not today.
Though, I did enjoy his final disclaimer in the ad.
The Rascal may not be for you if:
1) You’ve never been described as salty
2) You have no thirst for adventure
3) You’re totally satisfied with your job (and you’re not currently a sailboat captain)
4) You despise fresh, delicious seafood
5) You don’t speak pirate
Before I complete this advertisement, I’ve got to come clean. I made up the part about Benedictine monks. The rest is true. For more information, please email me!
I bet this guy is going to sell his boat, get an apartment in the Marina district, and begin working for some San Francisco-based apparel company. Sure, that doesn’t sound so bad, but it sure as hell ain’t retiring at 25.
Still, no one pulls the wool over my eyes and lives to tell the story. Keep your head on a swivel, Haney. .
Image via Instagram