Columns

Uncomfortably Honest Office Superlatives

Parks-and-Recreation-Jerry-Retires

Some happy hour discussion topics for you.

  • Most likely to be late to a meeting and make everyone look good.
  • Most likely to be early to a meeting and make everyone look bad.
  • Best use of low income to look like he/she makes high income.
  • Best ability to wear completely inappropriate office garb but somehow make it look acceptable.
  • Most likely to not use headphones and subject coworkers to terrible music they consider cool.
  • Most likely to S an important D to move up the chain.
  • Most important D.
  • Most likely to awkwardly chat you up in the bathroom, disabling your ability to drop the kids off in peace.
  • Embarrassingly unqualified manager in highest management position.
  • Office creep who doesn’t see the error of his/her ways.
  • Most inept coworker when it comes to finding the answers to any of his/her questions before just asking you.
  • Most likely to come back after being fired and burn the building down/shoot up the joint.
  • Almost definitely the person who’s been mooching off your Half&Half.
  • Most likely to one-up your weekend stories come Monday.
  • Most likely to leave you dry-heaving the rest of the day from the lingering smell of their heat-up lunch.
  • Most likely to take a two and a half hour lunch break that no one questions, which makes you irate.
  • The Office Jerry/Gary/Larry, i.e. the Office Punching Bag.
  • Most likely to leave his/her spouse and ruin his/her life for an unrequited, intense office crush.
  • Most passive-aggressive manager to employee relationship.
  • Most likely to prematurely lose his/her shit before checking the email that would’ve saved those emotions in the first place.
  • Most likely to kick you out of a meeting room because they had it booked first.
  • Most likely to use work hours to catch up on GoT or Breaking Bad at his/her desk.
  • Most impressive tabbing skills to speedily close out of non-work related Internets.
  • Biggest amount of side projects that he/she works on during office hours more than actual office work.
  • Perpetual office crop-duster.
  • Biggest loud-mouth who overuses and completely ruins the umph of using the word “Fuck.”
  • Biggest Dick (figuratively, not literally).

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Emma G

Emma is a female with a vagina and, subsequently, often writes things other vaginas (and sometimes weiners) find super relatable. She is a 20something who loves eating, buying clothes she doesn't need, and wearing lipstick. You can find 4+ years of her rantings on her blog: www.emmasthing.com

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