Whatever you’re doing, I’m gon’ need you to stop it. Because yesterday, Tyra, (Miss Banks if you’re nastyyy) in all of her fierceness, let slip the dogs of Disney when she responded to a tweet from an apparent ’90s kid.
— Tyra Banks (@tyrabanks) January 19, 2014
That’s right, folks. THERE’S GONNA BE A SEQUEL. A LIFE SIZE 2. And the world stopped (you probably missed it since it was around the same time Richard Sherman decided to let the world know he was a comm major at Stanford). But, in case you missed the ’90s or lived in a cupboard under a staircase, and you have no idea what I’m talking about, let me take you on a journey back to the first year of the second Millennium and give you the CliffsNotes version of Life Size:
Basically, once upon a time there was a mom, dad, and Lindsay Lohan, the quarterback for her middle school football team because the new Millenium brought a new type of feminism to the world that burrows itself deep inside the souls of 7th grade girls. Mom dies, and (what should’ve been a big red flag to all of us) Lindsay Lohan tries to cast a spell to bring her mom back to life. ‘Cause you know, that’s logical. Instead, she manages to bring knock-off Barbie, or “Eve” as she is affectionately called in the movie, to life. In fact, Lindsay wakes up next to all 5’10” Tyra lying next to her. Not creepy at all, Disney.
In order to reverse this shitshow of a spell, Lindsay discovers she needs the second version of the spell book, because obviously. But, Volume II isn’t at apparently the only bookstore in Canada (where the movie was actually filmed, fun fact). Tension between LiLo and her dad peak when he hits on the new estrogen-laden Pinocchio hanging around the house, Lindsay’s like gtfo, but then it’s like cool and they fix their issues and shit, and she doesn’t even want to reverse the spell anymore. So you think it’s going to work out, right?
Nope. Tyra eventually gets homesick for her very fictional Sunnyvale, located in “the middle of America,” which I can only assume is somewhere in northern Kansas. So Tyra’s like, “I’m gonna peace, Linds,” and decides to reverse the spell herself, which is lolz considering we all know dolls aren’t necessarily anatomically correct. It gets a little emotional because Lindsay has now essentially lost two mothers in a short span of time (red flags rained down onto the set and still no one caught on to this) but then it all ended happily because there was a music video where Tyra Banks lip-syncs a feel-good jam at the end.
So let’s make our college degrees useful for two seconds, the same two seconds where I set aside my inner-child who is far too excited for this sequel, and think about this. People are paying actual American dollars to make a sequel of a made-for-TV movie that has been quoted by Tyra to be “very, very different” from the original Life Size, and Lindsay Lohan hasn’t even signed on for this yet. Never mind the fact that there are homeless and starving people and Obamacare, WE HAVE TO MAKE THIS “SEQUEL” 14 YEARS AFTER THE FACT, YOU GUYS.
I’m probably going to go watch this movie when it’s released later this year or early next year. But if it’s not Tyra Banks yelling at Lindsay Lohan and telling her to get her life together, I’m out.