We put up with a lot of nonsense. For instance, fellow millennials writing thinkpieces about us, older generations telling us how easy we have it, porn making fun of us, and the little red squiggly lines that show up every time we misspell ‘millennial.’
But I’m here to tell you it’s not all bad. We have a lot of stuff going for us! For instance, the so-called “sharing economy” or in reality, capitalism’s answer to the parts of socialism that sort of work. We have Uber! Uber Eats! Those other things that look like Uber and Uber Eats! It’s great! And furthermore, as we move shiftlessly across America like a drove of self-entitled and uninteresting Jack Kerouacs, we encounter the enduring charity and community that comes as part of the AirBNB that is the millennial ennui.
One of the activities that unites us all in between frequenting coffee shops not named Starbucks with our billabongs filled with Apple products is, of course, drinking under bridges. Some of us come from long lineages of bridge drinkers, other might be new to the game. But it is a quintessential American experience, with each region bringing its own special flavor to the experience.
Therefore I give you: the best American towns for millennials to drink alcohol under bridges:
8. Cleveland, Ohio
It’s definitely a strange one to start off our list, given the fact that the city is known for success and sports champions. But hear me out, it possesses all the amenities known to a great under-bridge-drinking town. For each ugly girl with a tongue ring, there are no fewer than three guys with receding hairlines and buzz cuts because they think it makes them look like Jason Statham. Throw in a penchant for Steel Reserve and opioid addiction, and you have a recipe for a great time.
7. Pensacola, Florida
For the beach-inclined, Pensacola is a spectacular destination for the bridge-drinking crowd. First of all, they got a bigass bridge. While this one is not recommended to drink under, due to the threat of killer octopi and Confederate pirates, there are several smaller bridges about the town to serve our desires. Pensacola is also the leading town in Older Ladies Who Were Banking On Getting Knocked Up By An Air Force Officer Only To Realize That They Were Already Married With Four Kids And Had A Vasectomy, so you know that town likes to party. Plus, when the winds are right and the F-18s take off, you get to huff jet fuel exhaust.
6. Cuero, Texas
This town has a Whataburger, a Dairy Queen, a Sonic, AND a sweet-ass bridge. You better get there quick though, since most quality bridge-drinking spots have already been taken up by local fishermen and laid off oil company workers. The town’s main export is foreclosed-on pickup trucks, so your options to pass out for the day are only limited by how far you are willing to walk to tumble into the bed of an all white F-150. There is also no shortage of empty barrels for you to start fires in.
5. Clayton, New Mexico
Clayton is home to a public library with a dragon sculpture on it, which as we all know is code for “free wifi and you can also wipe yourself down with moist towelettes here.” The city populace is 95% Native Americans and cattle, so feel free to pick some funny mushrooms and finish off the Bud Lite Lime-a-ritas that your fellow bridge-dwelling compatriots only had two sips out of before passing out.
4. Hampton Bay, Long Island
Dust off your best dinner jacket, because this next one is a bit hoity toity. However, I couldn’t ignore it, since Long Island is the home of wines aged in garbage cans, and also is only connected to civilization and itself through a series of bridges. So crack open a nice vintage box and break out that block of cheddar that has become moldy and is therefore fancy cheese, because this is the high-falutin bridge-drinker’s destination du jour.
3. Salina, Kansas
The magnificent interchange of Interstates 70 and 35 is something to behold, similar to the mall of America. There is no shortage of primo drinking spots there, so long as you are a white christian male. A short walk in any direction will yield a bevy of chain steakhouses, which is perfect for a meal or dumpster diving if you can’t afford the $6 per plate fee. A word of caution, however, as the local law enforcement has been known to murder vagrants for sport.
2. Bridge City, Texas
Need I say more? This town has not one, but two enormous bridges. They are located side-by-side because obviously the town fathers were drunk as well. A time-honored local tradition includes stealing bowling balls from the local alley, taking them to the top of said bridges, and rolling them down. While the hometown favorite of Pearl Light will not get you drunk, bringing along several bottle of MD 20/20 is advised, since alligators are both averse to neon liquids and lackluster knife-fighters.
1. Glenwood Springs, Colorado
The pièce de résistance of millennial bridge drinkers everywhere. This town has everything. Doc Holliday’s grave, a naturally heated public pool and legal marijuana abound in this locale. It is also interspersed by an interstate highway and several town streets that cross and re-cross the Colorado and Roaring Fork rivers. Steady drinking local microbrews mix well with the Coors-saturated high desert runoff that fills the rivers with the urine-like water that flows through the quaint town and eventually feeds the Los Angeles and San Diego basins. This area takes its bridge drinking so seriously that a recent avalanche closed down the only exit to the East, much to the delight of truckers and brigands across the mountain west.
I’m sure I’ve missed a few of your favorite spots, so please let us all know your favorite spots to crack open a cold one, lean back against a concrete base, and enjoy the fruits of being an underemployed millennial. .
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