To The Idiots Who Are Proposing On Christmas

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Perhaps the worst thing about the holiday season is the constant barrage of poorly produced, hilariously dramatic jewelry store commercials. The problem with these commercials is the blatant attempt at making it seem like it is perfectly fine to propose during the holidays. Well, let me backtrack a little bit. The holidays are a great time to propose. It might be snowing. The city is lit up. There are carolers begging to be punched in the face. It’s the most wonderful time of the year. I get that. However, the holiday itself is the absolute worst time to propose.

The biggest problem I have with proposing on Christmas is that it’s unoriginal. It’s just so incredibly lame. Same goes for New Year’s Eve. It’s just foolish and self-centered to do it on days that should be about family and friends, not your relationship. It’s a cliché wrapped in a cliché wrapped in a metaphor for your shitty, unoriginal, uninspiring love story that will culminate with you getting down on a knee in the living room, leaving most of the family members in attendance with a look on their face that says, “Look at this fuckin’ guy.”

Even if your relationship has some sort of special holiday memory to it, like you met at an ugly Christmas sweater party (have fun explaining that to your kids), or you were volunteers at a Christmas blood drive, it still doesn’t give you license to pop the big one on a holiday that’s already stressful enough for all involved. Yes, an engagement is an exciting, life-changing moment, but if you do it on Christmas, you’re making it about yourself. No one is going to care that you popped the question. Christmas is already a special day for everyone. You’re not going to make it more special by proposing. Odds are, your fianceé is going to be at her happiest when her holiday spirit is at its peak, anyway.

On top of that, everyone is going to see it coming. If you’ve been in a relationship for a long time, the questions about your relationship are never more present than they are during the holidays. As an interesting human being, you should always keep people on their toe (in a good way). God forbid, if I ever have daughters and one of them has a boyfriend who is dumb enough to propose on Christmas, I’ll take the log poker from the fireplace and beat that idiot right out of our lives. Originality and spontaneity are the keys to relationship success. The happiest I’ve ever been in a relationship is whenever we decided to do something at the spur of the moment. Obviously, an engagement isn’t a “spur of the moment” thing, but it should seem that way. There’s a lot of planning that goes into a proposal if you want to make it mean something, and proposing on a holiday is you pretty much telling your significant other, “Well, this is the best I could come up with to show you my undying love. Wanna hang out until we croak?”

Then think about this from completely materialistic, financial perspective. You still have to get your girlfriend presents for Christmas after dropping most of, if not all of your life savings on a $10k+ ring for your fianceé. After that kind of investment, you’ll be lucky to get her anything for Christmas. Say what you want about the impact of material belongings, but I like getting Christmas presents for Christmas. An engagement isn’t a Christmas present. An engagement is a commitment, not something that’s on the level of socks and electric razors.

The pressure you’re about to put your girlfriend under will be completely unfair. Your proposal should be something between the two of you. A showcase of your commitment to your bride-to-be. Get engaged on December 26th after having a good heart-to-heart with her old man over some eggnog at family Christmas. You’ll avoid the eye rolls and he’ll appreciate the gesture, I’m sure. The holidays are the perfect time to bond.

If you want to get engaged on Christmas, be my guest. See how that’s met by your friends and family. If you want to tell your family that you got engaged at the Christmas party, do that. Just don’t do the act on Christmas. Odds are they’ve already seen it on Facebook. Shock value is dead.

For all those fellas looking to take the plunge this holiday season, heed my advice, then bookmark this page and come back to it in two months and replace “Christmas” with “Valentine’s Day.”

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Brian McGannon

What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting inappropriately drunk in public. I'm the managing editor of this website. Direct all complaints to customer service. Email me: Brian@Grandex.co

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  1. 18
    cheekzilla

    Also, good luck getting the ring back in a divorce if you propose on Christmas. That shit was a gift and she’s gonna keep it

    Nice workMehLog in or sign up to reply. • 11 months ago
    • -4
      McMagistrate

      You can’t get it back once you’re married anyway, in the absence of a prenup stating otherwise of course. Rings have a conditional gift status, the condition being marriage.

      Nice workMehLog in or sign up to reply. • 11 months ago
  2. -4
    kieran010

    The bit below hit home and made me crack up. Mostly because all of my college friends are convinced I will have daughters purely from karma. Nicely written!

    “God forbid, if I ever have daughters and one of them has a boyfriend who is dumb enough to propose on Christmas, I’ll take the log poker from the fireplace and beat that idiot right out of our lives.”

    Nice workMehLog in or sign up to reply. • 11 months ago