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To My Friend Who Just Got A Dog With His Girlfriend

To My Friend Who Just Got A Dog With His Girlfriend

Let me just say that I’m beyond happy for you two. Sure, I’m partially happy because this dog puts another potentially expensive destination wedding a little further away because you’ve got a lot more on your plate now. And yeah, I’m happy because you can raise this little guy together which will do wonders for your relationship. Furthermore, I’m happy that you’re in a place with each other where you feel comfortable enough to make these types of commitments. It’s a beautiful thing, and I wish you both the best in your future endeavors.

I also think it goes without saying that your puppy is adorable. From the rolls on his little face to the way he snored in that video you sent me, that pup is melting hearts all over the place. The next time we get together for a long weekend? I’ll be rolling around on the ground with that little guy for the better part of a hungover Saturday morning (and I’ll probably have trouble saying goodbye to him, too). I simply cannot wait to have him in my life for a few days.

But I have to ask — what are you doing, man? Do you realize the implications that this has for the rest of us? We’re all screwed now, and this is completely on you.

You know we’ve all been swerving questions requiring any sort of long term commitment, right? Becoming official on Facebook, engagement rings, getting an apartment together, everything. We’ve all got about one year (two years, max) before we’re completely tied down, and the only time we can go wild is when our wives are out of town at one of the remaining bachelorette parties they have. But this dog? Huge wrench in our plans. And with every Instagram and Snapchat, you’re expediting the entire process for the whole lot of us.

To be fair, I don’t think you’re doing this intentionally. I want a dog too, but I can barely take care of myself so I just don’t think it’s the best idea for me right now. You’re killing it at work and living comfortably, so it makes sense that you’d get a dog. It really does.

But plain and simple, you’re going too fast. And no, I’m not saying it’s too fast for you and your girlfriend. Y’all should go at your own pace and do what’s right for you. But it’s too fast for the rest of us. Now all of our girlfriends are looking at us wondering why they don’t have puppies of their own. We’re all sitting here on our phones deflecting requests to go to humane societies and shelters this weekend. But because of all of this, she’s already picking out names, collars, and drafting blueprints of Instagrams for years to come while I’m still paying off credit card bills from 2012 and Googling how 401Ks work.

And to do it right before Christmas? Come on, bro. Are you kidding me right now? Did you not think about how this would affect the rest of us? I’m already breaking the bank this year trying to get in her good graces, but you’ve planted the seed in her head now. Anything less than a puppy jumping out of a box under the tree while I cover her eyes is going to be a monstrous letdown now. I could pop the damn question and she’d still, in the back of her mind, wonder if a puppy is still somewhere in the house.

Just know, from here on out, I fully expect you to be vigilant when posting photos of him. Know that for every bed selfie you add to your story, that’s going to be another mid-morning conversation where I have to let my girlfriend down. Be aware that for every Instagram you toss up of him with your girlfriend, my girlfriend will like it. But I’ll be getting a text within minutes of you uploading it.

Yes, I wish the best to both of you, and your dog. Just please keep a low profile until I can sort my mess of a life out.

Image via Shutterstock

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Will deFries

Will deFries (@WilldeFries) is the world's foremost authority on Sunday Scaries. Senior Writer, Editor, and Content Manager. Email me at will@grandex.co.

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