Next week, I fly home to see my loving family for the holidays. Last week, I closed out my weekend sitting at roulette table in piece-of-shit-casino, hammered off Miller Lites on a Sunday. Needless to say, there is a large gap between how much of an adult I actually am, and how much of an adult my parents like to believe I am.
I am all about furthering this persona, and you should be too. Even though both you and your parents probably know it’s not true, for a few weeks a year it’s nice to pretend that you’re a mature individual whom they don’t have to worry about. Here are the ways to make you seem more grown-up over the holidays.
1. Wear nothing but sweaters.
Sweaters are to adults as diapers are to babies. Even the most irresponsible, binge-drinking, man-child (read: all of us) looks like a grown up in a sweater. Your purple lips may say “crushed a bottle of wine before dinner,” but your sweater says, “Mortgage owner. PTA attendee. Driver of an affordable mid-sized sedan.”
Sweaters are especially crucial in hiding how drunk/hungover you are. You may have had several drinks on the plane, and a nice sweater will help draw attention away from your puffy face and glazed eyes.
2. Bring a nice bottle of wine home.
Something about bringing booze into your parents’ house lets them know you’re equals now. Sure, they wiped your ass until an embarrassingly late age, but bringing a $25 bottle of wine will immediately make them forget all about that. You’ll seem thoughtful for bringing something for everyone to enjoy, and mature because it’s not an $8 handle of vodka like you’ve been caught with previously. This gift has an added bonus of letting your parents know right from the get-go that you’re going to be rocking a buzz all weekend, so they can’t act surprised later.
3. Come home from happy hour and drink that bottle of wine.
I mean, it’s your fucking wine. What did they think, you would just bring booze with you and not even try a glass or five? Who’s being childish and naïve now? The easiest way to remind them that you are an adult who is of legal drinking age is to take that bottle to the face in front of them. In fact, make sure they drink with you. It doesn’t matter how many times they say things like, “It’s a Wednesday,” or, “Stop telling your mother to ‘chug that shit,’” they secretly want to get sloshed with you. It’s the mature thing to do.
4. Have your parents drive you to the bar.
Nothing screams, “I’m an adult who makes responsible decisions” like getting a ride to the bar instead of chancing a DUI. Any parent would be proud of their child for making the choice not to drink and drive, and would be happy to give them a ride if asked. If your parents are being real selfish buttholes, pay your younger sibling to give you a ride, but share your displeasure by yelling, “If I die tonight, it’s your fault,” at your mom and dad.
5. Play appropriate music when entertaining an overnight guest.
Getting lucky at the hometown bar is nothing to be ashamed of, and your parents surely agree with you. Who cares if your evening guest gained 35 pounds since you both graduated? Sex is sex.
However, acknowledge that you are a guest in your parent’s home, and be considerate. Instead of blasting J Cole’s newest album at 3 a.m., play something your parents would recognize. The Beach Boys, Tom Petty, or even Michael Buble’s Christmas album will surely put a smile on their face and mask most of the grunting and moaning coming from your twin bed. They’ll be proud of themselves on raising you with excellent music taste, and even more proud that you took home a random from the bar. Odds are they even high-five over their terrific parenting job.
6. Leave some leftovers.
Let’s be honest, you worked up a pretty good appetite with your romp in the sack. You and your lover are both going to need to replenish those burned calories, and what better way to do it than raiding your parent’s stocked fridge? After all, your mom has been preparing for tomorrow’s family dinner for the past four days, and every single shelf and cabinet is bursting with food. There’s no way anyone will miss it if you take a few snacks.
Snag some ham, roasted potatoes, hell, even a slice or two of pie. You deserve it, and your family will appreciate the restraint you used to leave them some food. Let’s be honest, your aunt could stand to cut down on her calorie intake a little.
7. Don’t make a mess of the bathroom.
Perhaps you over indulged a smidge at the bar and in the kitchen. I suppose, in retrospect, those last two Rumplemnitz shots weren’t completely necessary, and you did finish off two-thirds of your mother’s prized pecan pie. It’s only natural for your body to want to purge yourself of the concoction that’s brewing in your stomach, but you should try and make as little mess as possible.
Make sure to use your parents’ master bathroom, as their toilet is bigger and easier to get your head in, and their towels are fluffier and will mop up any spills with ease. Not that your parents will ever know, because you’ll wash those towels for them. Make sure to toss them in the already full washing machine, forget to add soap, and start the spin cycle. Your parents will probably thank you for doing the laundry when you wake up.
8. Get a good night’s rest.
Put your head on your pillow, sweet angel. Your parents have been looking forward to having the family home for the holidays for weeks, and they wouldn’t want you being tired during it. I know your mom told you you’ll have to pickup your grandma from the airport at 9 a.m., but I’m sure she’d rather you sleep. Feel free to turn that alarm off and lock your door for maximum peace and quiet. Fall asleep with visions of sugarplums dancing in your head because tomorrow is going to be great. .
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