Columns

Thoughts That Run Through Your Head When You Find Out You’re Having Twins

Thoughts That Run Through Your Head When You Find Out You're Having Twins

Just when I started to get the hang of being the father to an 18-month-old little dude, my wife comes up to me with a stick. This isn’t your normal stick, mind you. No, no. This is one of those sticks that either has one pink line or two. The only trouble here was that my wife came up to me with a stick that had one bright pink line and a kinda faded pink line. Three sticks later, we got the same answer three straight times: two pinks lines. Awesome, I get to be a dad to a second kid!

Orrrrrrrr……..

Awesome, just headed to the lady doctor with my wife.

I wonder if she will have to do that stirrup thing again.

That’s so weird.

I’d feel bad but I also have to get shit shoved up my ass at age 40.

So this basically equals out.

Hey here they come to do the ultra sound.

Gotta put the jelly on the belly.

Ha, I’m hilarious.

That’s weird, it looks like two little things are in there.

Didn’t remember there being two on there last time.

Wonder what that means.

Oh.

Fuck.

There’s two in there.

Ummmm.

I want to panic.

This isn’t good.

Ben Wyatt even did a chart on the expenses of having 3 kids.

That chart wasn’t good.

I can’t panic because then maybe my wife will panic.

*Looks up*

Okay yeah she’s panicking.

Yeah I’m in the clear to do the same.

Soooooooo……

Two MORE babies.

That’s cool.

We thought two TOTAL was the perfect number.

Whoops.

Guess my sperm is that amazing.

Glad I didn’t say that out loud.

If I had said that I’d be sleeping on the couch tonight.

Next to the dogs.

Well, we do have three dogs.

That’s not hard.

It’ll totally be the same with three kids.

Yeah….

No….

It won’t be the same.

Wait.

Me.

Wife.

Three dogs.

Three babies.

That’s eight things in my house that eat.

And shit.

And need a roof.

Did you hear that?

That was my golf handicap exploding.

And a pending overdraft alert from the bank.

Well.

If it’s two more boys….

I would have three boys.

Three boys+ me is the perfect golf foursome.

I would totally golf SO MUCH MORE if it were boys.

What if they’re girls?

Oh.

Fuck.

Fuck fuck fuck.

Fuck any future teenage boy that even thinks about that.

Fucking asshole douchebags.

Really glad I bought that AR15 last year.

I think I will just mount it above the fireplace any time one of those pimple-faced fucks comes around.

You know what?

Fuck that.

They’re never dating.

Like ever.

They can just live with me until I die.

Then they can do whatever they want because I won’t be freaking out.

Shit.

Wait.

That’ll be expensive as fuck.

Never mind.

They can move out after high school.

To two separate parts of the country.

Does Alaska have colleges?

Plus, it’s like, you know.

Alaska!

Can’t be that expensive.

Yeah, they’re definitely living in Alaska and Mississippi.

Wait.

Isn’t Ole Miss a party school?

Never mind on Mississippi.

Or anywhere in the SEC.

Or USC.

Or FSU.

Or Arizona State.

What’s North Dakota like?

**looks at wife**

Hey babe remember how big you were last time you were pregnant?

This time you’re gonna be YUUUUUUUUUUUUGE

Fuck.

I should not have said that.

Email this to a friend

Kiawah Island Strip Club

I'd rather be golfing. Seattle sucks so I write about that. Also work...ish in recruiting. Shoot your resume to kiawahislandstripclub@gmail.com for any and all job hunt questions.

22 Comments You must log in to comment, or create an account

Show Comments

For More Photos and Content

Latest podcasts

Download Our App

Take PGP with you. Get

New Stories

Load More