Each week, I ask women across the country to send me the worst Bumble bios they have seen. And each week, the response is impressive. Our female readership has done a phenomenal job of coming together for this cause, so allow me to take this moment to say, “Thank you.”
We live in a time in which the word “offensive” gets thrown around often and recklessly. It is almost impossible to write, say, or express anything of value without stepping on someone’s tender toes and having the O-word (and not the fun one) shouted at you. However, as a person typically on the other side of the accusation, I can truly say I was offended by these. What you are about to read is gruesome. It might make you a little upset. What began as a neutral medium upon which to express oneself has been corrupted, endangering women to the fallout. Dangerous, but a little exciting, no? If you’re still with me, let’s begin our journey.
I know why girls like this app. It’s a game. And girls like to play games.
Sad face. Haha
Here’s a game: only one is true. I’ve (been) :
1-In a high-speed car chase.
2-Stolen a car.
Sometimes I swipe too fast and swipe incorrectly. My bad.
Not enough fabric in the world for the amount of red flags popping up here. Want to talk games? I’m more than happy to accommodate. You got bodied in the first half, and I can only assume you got berated via coach’s locker room speech during halftime. You came out frantically calling all sorts of audibles, but unfortunately, they were not enough to make up for the deficit you created early on. You attempted a Hail Mary at the buzzer and – to no one’s surprise – it was no good. Always next season.
Instagram – ___
Graphic Designer & Phone Repairer
Daily gym attender *arm emoji*
Pirate Black Yeezy 350 Boosts Owner
Love the outdoors
Basketball, Hiking, Cliff Jumping, & Swimming
Pretty down to Earth guy
California Born-Arkansas Raised
Just looking for the right girl honestly.
I freely admit I have no idea what Yeezy 350 Boosts are. That should come as a surprise to no one. I didn’t want to do it – I really didn’t want to do it – but I Googled how much a pair of Pirate Black Yeezy 350 Boosts actually go for. Ebay tells me they ballpark around a grand. That should also come as a surprise to no one. I’m sure this dude makes a decent buck overcharging 21-year-old girls to fix their busted iPhone 6 screens, so my issue is not with why he purchased the shoes. By all means, spend your earnings how you please, but do not insult us by showcasing this outrageous purchase in your Bumble profile and then calling yourself a “pretty down to Earth guy” in the same breath.
I DO YOGA EVERY MORN AT 7AM, TO SUM IT ALL UP, I TRY TO LIVE A VERY SIMPLE LIFE
Inside voice, dude. This is the type of guy who wonders why everyone around him is tired all the time. I debated swiping right just to see if all-caps is in fact his personal style preference, just for the content, but I couldn’t. Even pros have boundaries.
Looking for a baby mama/wifey/friend… will accept any of those 3
I have nothing against throwing a lot of irons in the fire. What inspires my questions are the particular irons he chose to throw. Baby mama, wifey, and friend are all pretty scattered on the map of relationships that could potentially stem from a Bumble match. Can’t you just imply that you want a short-term-low-effort-bang-maid situation like everyone else and keep this simple?
Let’s have an exploring, fun, connection experience.
I haven’t had a “so that’s what the kids are calling it these days” moment in quite a while, but “connection experience” went ahead and reset that clock for me. Otherwise, nothing to report here other than our standard features listed in Terrible Bumble Bio Starter Pack format for your convenience.
Family is my being. Music is my obsession. Travel is my passion. Weather is my temper. Food is my desire. Nature is my religion.
Replace the first word of every sentence with “food” and watch the right swipes come flooding in. You can have that nugget for free, but more advice is going to cost you.
I’ll try to make this short and sweet. Just got dumped by my fwb if you will. Not looking to get into another fwb situation. I have children and successful co-parent with their mother. Umm I’m a total nerd I research Radioisotopic Thermoelectric Generators for fun. What eles, my grammar and syntax bad
Short and sweet my ass. What a ride that was. If you think what you’re saying is “I got dumped by my FWB,” what you’re really saying is “I thought I had a girlfriend for a minute but then I watched her make out with a dude in front of me, so I guess we weren’t actually dating. Anyway, not really down for that again and I’m a little fucked up about it.” Listening to this guy’s lady problems being articulated through messed up grammar and syntax sounds like charity work you can’t even brag about on Instagram. .
Read last week in Terrible Dude Bumble Bios.