This Week In Terrible Dude Bumble Bios: May 12

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This Week In Terrible Dude Bumble Bios: May 12

This week, something awful happened. It was Monday, I was casually swiping around, tossing a right swipe to the good ones, screenshotting the bad ones, and then it hit. “No more users in your area.” I had really done it. I ran out of Bumble dudes. Up until now, my cup runeth over with Jake after Josh ready to either be sent a feeble attempt at a flirtatious opener, or be mocked publicly. But not anymore. Alas, my man river hath run dry.

Luckily, Bumble allows you to extend your radius up to 100 miles, so you know your girl is all over that. This allows me to cover Orange County, Riverside, and part of douche mecca Los Angeles, and in no time, the profiles started flowing through. It was like the final scene in The Lion King, when it starts raining again and the order is restored. All I have to do now is kick myself for not doing this sooner.

So have no fear, guys, for we are back with a whole new crop of jabronis for your Thursday morning confidence boost. Off we go.

Howdy Bumble Bees. *smiley face emoji* .>Love my family, friends, outdoors, and being healthy.
>College educated with a sense of humor! 🙂
>Oldest of 2 boys and 4 girls!
>They say, Suns out guns out… I say, thighs out girls shout! *tongue emoji*
>No flakes or shallowness
IG: ____

It’s sweet that you think having a college education means anything nowadays. That’s like bragging about your driver’s license. We need to talk about something else, though. As someone who appreciates the crap out of a good man-thigh, why on earth would you abandon the perfectly good motto of “sky’s out thighs out” for the much dorkier “thighs out girls shout”? Under what circumstances would anyone shout upon seeing a dude’s thighs? Do they have giant Insane Clown Posse tattoos or belong to a rugby player?

this is me giving the universe a path to put the right lady in my life. is that you?

martial arts

And Bumble is the path you’re choosing? Not really giving the universe much to work with, are we. Get over yourself with that all-lowercase crap. The universe has no reason to stop you from looking like a boner.

see normal people not one of them *alien emoji* . *live-long-and-prosper emoji* .
Let’s go adventure and get lost and take sick pictures *smirk emoji*

Honestly, chicks love being told we’re not “normal.” We also love “adventures.” And you bet your mom’s spaghetti we are all in on the “sick pictures.” Clean up your grammar, get rid of the emojis, and you’ll do fine. You’ll still be a tool, but you’ll be a tool who occasionally gets laid.

Family. Sports/Health&Fitness.
AnythingOutside. WorkInHealthInsurance.
NeverMarried. NoKids.
ProudUncle&BoxerDad. AppreciateGoodPeople. AlwaysRememberToHaveFunAndLaugh.
San*anchor emoji*Clemente IG:____

I hope his spacebar is broken, and I hope it is because he has impossibly strong thumbs. But the real story probably has more to do with him missing the day in 1st grade when they explained that spaces between words are kind of a mandatory thing. Really, it would be forgivable if he didn’t have quotes you find on Etsy decals commonly pushed by mommy blogs. Which we know he probably doesn’t follow, because NoKids.

Ca *palm tree emoji* —> Utah*mountain emoji* —> back to Ca *palm tree emoji*

*praying hands emoji* lds

*basketball emoiji* ballislife

*pizza emoji* I could eat pizza all day

*arm emoji* personal trainer

*cookie emoji* baker of sugar free protein goods

—-Also that’s my mom, not my girlfriend *eye roll emoji*

I was getting ready to roast this guy for the emojis, protein goods, being a personal trainer, and saying “ballislife” when I saw his mom and actually laughed out loud at how hot she was. Let’s just say she is hotter than any girl he’ll be able to pull (myself included). Poor guy.

I was going to post a picture of my corgi, but realized you would like her more. I’m 5’8” (we all know why I have to add it). Please don’t judge me for being military, my mother raised me well. I have three degrees. I’m looking for the one that grabs my phone and records a message while I sleep.

And in the “clearly doesn’t get how this works” division. Yeah dude, obviously we’re going to like your dog more than you. I once kept seeing a guy for 3 months after I knew I didn’t like him because he had a cute dog to whom I still wanted access. I get it, you want girls to like you for your soul or whatever, but holding an ace to your chest isn’t getting you anywhere. I do want to sincerely apologize for whoever made you feel like you have to include your height and say “don’t judge me for being military.” You seem nice and a little insecure, and I’m sure some girl out there is down to take that on. I’m just not really sure what you have in mind with the whole “records a message while I sleep” thing. Admittedly, the first thing I pictured was a Gone Girl-esque video suicide note, so maybe I’m not the one for you. Out of all of this, I was hoping you would say something douchey enough to justify me alluding to your three degrees to make a “third degree burn” pun, but nothing about it felt right.

I’m high everyday.. On life! Can make you laugh but not on command also I Never met a weekend I didn’t like. Interests: Music. Traveling. Goal setter. Adventures. Motivated to excel. Coffee. Culture. Art. Food. Outgoing. Single. Running. Fitness. Sports. Outdoors

I don’t think I’ve heard the phrase “high on life” since high school before kids my age discovered alcohol. What’s the point if you can’t make me laugh on command? You just do a bunch of dumb shit in hopes that some of it is funny? Yeah, that will never get old. You also could have condensed your “interests” down to like five things without losing absolutely any substance.

I’m 6’ and 4” those are two separate measurements.
I’m not good at taking off bras, so don’t worry I won’t ask you for casual sex.
Two things I don’t fuck with, spiders and condoms.
You could be my future x wife.
I’ll treat you like a Disney princess on the streets and a porn princess…

I kept thinking this one would get better, but it just stayed kind of gross. I chuckled at the first line, shrugged at the second line, rolled my eyes at the third line, cringed at the fourth line, and was intrigued by the last line. Sir, do you have any idea how Disney princesses are actually treated? You’ll make me scrub your floor or lock me in a dungeon with only a fucking talking candle-holder and clock to make me feel like I’m losing my damn mind? Sign me up for all of that. I think I’d rather be a porn princess given the option. At least they get paid a little bit. Big thank you to Bumble for understanding enough is enough and probably cutting off the rest of the bio. You know you give respectably few fucks when censorship is the only thing that saves you.

If any ladies are still with me, here is how you can help. Slide into my DMs with a screenshot of the worst bios in your area and together we can clean up Bumble, one profile at a time. See you next week.

Read Last Week in Terrible Dude Bumble Bios.

Image via Unsplash

Best specializes in making fun of men and wondering why she is still single. She has over 6,000 followers on Periscope, the reason for which she has yet to figure out. Her Tinder bio once went viral for including a pretty mediocre fart joke. Neither of these events she allows anyone in her life to forget.

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