This Week In Terrible Dude Bumble Bios: April 28

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This Week In Terrible Dude Bumble Bios: April 28

There has been a lot of buzz this week surrounding twenty-something-America’s favorite app to find themselves a honey. Bumble implemented a new feature limiting male users’ response time to 24 hours after a woman’s initial message. The idea is to prevent guys from straight up ignoring girls who message them first. I won’t get into specifics but let’s just say I am no stranger to that phenomenon. Is it working? I think it’s too early to say but I have high hopes. To keep the cart behind the horse, let’s go over the first order of business: standing out from the crowd and getting some matches.

I will be the first to admit I can do better in this department. I don’t have any booty pics, so there really is not much to set me apart. I am a generic 24-year-old white girl with an entry-level marketing job and a Twitter following in the modest double-digits. While I acknowledge that I probably cannot afford to be as selective as I am, I have to be thinking openers when I’m doing my swiping. Stepping into the field of play without a game plan is near forfeiture. And these guys? I have nothing substantive to say to them. At least not to their faces.

Do women on here even know they have to message first? (Fk this guy he won’t even message me*) Yes I am real?? IG: @_____

If you need an explanation, I would guess it’s because that professional photo shoot you had done of you lifting makes you look like a huge dingleberry. If people are asking if you’re real, you have to stop using what looks like stock photos of some dude working out. No one is going to waste time looking at your Instagram for verification. You’re not the only dude on here who lifts weights; this isn’t OkCupid.

“Family, friends, CrossFit, soccer. I’m an avid sports fan with a tendency to get overexcited during games I care about. I love good beer and good movies.”

How wild. I bet you yell at the TV like the players can actually hear you, even though they can’t, huh? Must be all that CrossFit getting you fired up. His delivery is a little too cavalier for me to believe a word of it. Most people have a tendency to get overexcited even during games they don’t care about. I once accidentally sent a full glass of red crashing to the floor during a curling match between Belgium and Canada that I didn’t even know was happening until I started watching it. I can’t say I’m proud of that, but I can’t trust anyone who doesn’t reach that level of unwarranted enthusiasm from time to time.

6’3” Heart-Centered lover of life. Love the beach, travel, community, and having fun! I’m passionate about being a contribution to humanity. My future partner is authentic, self-expressed, loving, fun, and committed to growth. ENTJ

Translation: “I won’t make you go vegan, but I will make you wake up every Saturday at 6AM for mindfulness meditation.”

Just because two people of the opposite sex rendezvous after 7 pm it doesn’t necessarily make it a date.

That is correct. Sometimes it’s a business transaction between two consenting adults under mutually agreed-upon conditions. That’s one way to clear up any “is this a date” uncertainty right out of the gate. I would love to know what he’s going for here. Efficiency? I would also love to know what exactly is his idea of a date. Pay-by-hour motels?

I KNOW THE SECRET TO LIFE. I will share but not everyone understands it.

Optimist, explorer, young heart, old soul. I am confident, self-aware, and no longer fear the trivial. Credo: hungry, humble, strong. Bios don’t do anyone justice so just message me.

He knows the secret to life AND he’s self-aware? Call me narrow-minded, but I’m of the belief that those two things are mutually exclusive. In fact, there is absolutely nothing in this bio to support the claim that this guy is self-aware. That said, I’ll sacrifice what little self-awareness I have to know the secret to life. Which is it? Vemma? Cutco? Herbalife?

I’m a travel junkie on the road to recovery. Just kidding, I’m on the road to the airport! Ridiculously fun, easy going, and ambitious. Local real estate developer who works hard and plays harder! City slicker, Beach bum, Country boy all wrapped into one. I’m 6’4” and I. Love. Dance. Parties.

There is not a joke in the world that would make this one more embarrassing than it already is. Let’s move on.

Me in a nutshell: 1) I have sleeves, but they are made of fabric not ink 2) My transportation has 4 wheels, not just 2 and 3) I work when the sun is up, not when it’s down. Other than that I am just a guy who sings cheesy country love songs, runs his own business, and used to play pro baseball

Not sure what size nutshells you’re used to, but that seems like a lot. Couldn’t think of an easier way to say “I’m a basic white dude with a normal job and a car”? You’re smart enough to put that baseball mention in there, though. I swiped right only because I never miss an opportunity to swing at a baseball pun as my opener. That is where this particular story ends for now.

AZ > NC > FL > GA > CA
Snowboarding, CrossFit, backpacking, learning new skills, nerd, ambitious, career-focused, chameleon, passionate, rebellious, unapologetically me.

Today’s theme looks like it’s going to be self-contradiction. How can you be rebellious and a chameleon? Unless you’re saying you have a pet chameleon. This minimalist syntax doesn’t give us much in the way of context. Good thing you let us know you are unapologetically you. If I can’t handle you at your worst, I don’t deserve you at your best.

If you’re not thinking “damn… that’s an adorable dog” then you’re a cold-hearted cat lady with 6-8 cats. If this is you, please swipe left and continue spending your single days in cat solitude.

Before we continue, it is important to me that our readers know the dog in question is a <10 lb. pomeranian wearing a sweater. Let that color the remainder of your thoughts on this one. Now, regardless of your stance on cat ladies I would stop saying “swipe left if…” just for your own good. Plenty of chicks are going to swipe left; you don’t have to worry about that. More importantly, take the damn sweater off your damn dog.

Image via Shutterstock

Best specializes in making fun of men and wondering why she is still single. She has over 6,000 followers on Periscope, the reason for which she has yet to figure out. Her Tinder bio once went viral for including a pretty mediocre fart joke. Neither of these events she allows anyone in her life to forget.

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