In the list of things about 2016 that I can’t believe are true, I honestly think I’ve found the one thing that takes the cake. Sure, the election results were unexpected and that gorilla is dead, but now I can officially say that things have really, truly gone too far. As of now, there’s currently a trauma and rehab center officially open for business that helps tortured, individualistic millennials adjust to life in the real world. That’s right, for $27,500 a month, you can be shipped off to an isolated center in Evanston, Illinois that will teach you how to function in this dark and dangerous world. While I wish I was kidding, unfortunately, this is part of the world that we live in now.
Yellowbrick is a “treatment center,” although I would most certainly use the phrase “treatment” loosely. Yellowbrick works with “emerging adults” to help them transition into a normal, dull adulthood and leave their special snowflake lives behind, and for the price tag of $27,500 a month, I’m sure these millennials are off to an excellent start in that direction. In Yellowbrick’s case, treatment involves you telling your personal journey – or your “Narrative” – to a psychologist and peers a few times a week until you can come to terms with the difficulties of the real world. If that price tag seems a little high for what you’re getting, you might want to consider that Yellowbrick has a 10-week minimum stay, putting your total bill up to around $68,750 to help you adjust to your new life as a real adult.
I have a news flash for you: if you have more than the median annual U.S. salary in disposable income to help you adjust to real life, you are in your own bracket of millennial first-world problems. That’s two years of entry-level salary that many of us were forced to take without the option of hanging out in a cushy treatment facility with other upper-class children of neurosurgeons and real estate developers. My pity for you is approximately zero, but of course, mental health is important, so please take the time and the money to get the help you need – just please, don’t complain about it on the Internet, because while the rest of us are adjusting to life with plastic packets of Ramen noodles, we probably won’t see eye-to-eye on what being thrust out into the “real world” actually entails. .