What’s the first thing you do in the morning? If you said shower, make a cup of coffee, or even go to the bathroom, you’re a liar. You wake up and check your phone and mindlessly scroll while your brain slowly turns on, just like everyone else. We all do it, but not everyone does it in the right order. Here is the Morning App RoutineTM you should be following.
One minute of Facebook
At this point, Facebook is the least checked and most worthless social media out there. Unless you want to watch a one-minute recipe video, see your parents post an unfunny meme that came out two months ago, or read a 1,000-word racist rant from your uncle, Facebook has very limited use. However, one thing it’s still the gold standard in is events. Event invites and reminders are where Facebook shines, and without checking it every morning, I would have no idea what I digitally committed myself to months ago. A minute is all you need to get a basic handle of what parties, concerts, etc. you have coming up, as well as finding out if you need to wish anyone a happy birthday. Facebook is the only reason I even know when my friends’ birthdays are, and because of that, I must devote a minute to it at 6 a.m.
Two minutes of Instagram
Checking Instagram is like the stretching of your morning routine. Your brain still isn’t fully awake, and you need an app that doesn’t take any effort while you wait for it to reboot. You can scroll mindlessly through your feed for two full minutes, just doling out likes to any pictures of animals, sunsets, and selfies of people you find attractive, and not have to use any of your brain power. Plus, if you posted a picture the day before, you probably caught a few straggler likes overnight, which will help boost your self-esteem. Don’t even try and pretend your self-worth isn’t at least a little linked to those little red hearts.
Three minutes of Snapchat
If your brain isn’t awake by now, it’s about to be, because you’re going to shock yourself alert with some aggressive Snapchat videos. I guarantee at least a few of your friends went hard the night before, and now you’ve got some shaky, dark, footage of people sing-screaming “I Don’t Fuck With You” by Big Sean. Combine that with a couple douchey “rise and grind” gym snaps, and your brain will be buoyed awake by the combination of loud noises and anger. Just what the doctor ordered to get you game-ready for your day at the office.
Four minutes of Twitter
Now that your brain is almost back up to full capacity, it’s time to blast it with hot takes, sports updates, whatever bullshit Trump is up to now, and hopefully some jokes that make you laugh. Your brain will be forced to kick into overdrive from all the gear switching. Between reacting to Skip Bayless’s garbage take about Kahwi Leonard, a WaPo piece claiming the president is about to be impeached, and a hilarious (but eye-opening) conspiracy thread about Avril Lavigne being dead, your brain has a lot to take in. Also, after your four-minute workout, you’ll feel informed of all the events going on in the world (despite actually learning nothing).
Five minutes of emails
You just spent 10 minutes on social media handing out likes and retweeting dumb shit. The only useful knowledge you gained is that it’s your grandma’s birthday today, so you need to give her a call. Get your mind back in the real world by checking any emails you picked up overnight. There’s no need to actually start responding, but you’ll feel better heading into the office knowing what your day is going to look like. Or, if you’re working from home, you can fire off a few responses that make it seem like you’re up, and then go back to sleep for another hour. Technology is a wonderful thing. .