For the last year, I’ve had a to-do list of column topics to write about. The topics range from “Fuck Your Oversized Portions” to “The Benefits Of Hooking Up With A Cougar” to “The Inner Monologue Of A Dude Who Just Spilled His Jamba Juice.” But one topic that I’ve had in front of me has completely escaped me because I feel clueless to it.
“What Do Girls Think About In Private?”
I’ll just never understand it. Even trying to fathom what they discuss out to dinner or in group texts is beyond me. Yeah, I’m sure they talk about Amy Schumer more than we ever anticipated and I bet they talk about bodily functions that I never even knew existed.
But after seeing the following videos, I’m certain that I’m one step closer to understanding the female psyche.
Internal Thoughts: Bad Idea
This is pretty much softcore porn to me. Knowing a girl is absolutely losing her mind on the other side of a text conversation is almost as good as kissing, dating, whatever you want to do with that girl. 90% of the battle when it comes to courting a girl is just getting her to the point where you know you’re winning the mental battle.
This is evidence of why you need to have read receipts on when you’re in a text conversation with any girl you’re even remotely romantically involved with. Know she’s stressing and has acknowledged that it’s been exactly 37 minutes (not 35, not 40) is music to my ears.
The dude on the other end of the conversation is probably sitting on his couch watching Band Of Brothers knowing that he’s in control. He probably has a time in his head to strive for and is refusing to respond before the clock hits that exact time. He knows it. She knows it. We all know it.
Internal Thoughts: Looking Good
I don’t care whether a girl is going to the gym or she’s going on a date with the man of her dreams, I’m wholeheartedly believe that their outfits are always intentional. If they’re at brunch in workout clothes, it’s planned. If they’re eating a popsicle on the side of the street in a heather grey tank and jorts, it’s planned. If they’re drooling on their pillow while sleeping naked at 4 a.m., it’s planned.
“Oh, this? I just threw it on before walking out the door.” Yeah, bullshit. They’re all self-aware enough to know exactly what they’re doing. If they weren’t, their outfits wouldn’t be from the most recent Zara collection and they’d be ragged worn out pieces of cloth that they bought at Forever 21 back in 2013.
Internal Thoughts: Bernie
And this is the one that haunts me on a whole new level.
First and foremost, if anyone ever sees any semblance of a red rocket on a dog, everyone checks to see if that dog has a full-blown boner. You don’t want to admit it, but you do. The fact that she’s the first person in existence to outwardly acknowledge this is mindblowing.
Secondly, it perfectly encompasses the melodramatic nature of every millennial girl. Sitting on the couch, wrapped in a blanket, enjoying a book, and she somehow talks herself into killing herself when her dog passes away without batting an eyelash. Satire? Yes. Over-the-top? Maybe. Would any girl admit to having a thought process similar to this? Absolutely not. But have they? 100%.
Girls, man. You either get them or you don’t. And I still have no idea where I stand. .
Image via Greta Titelman YouTube