I don’t get weddings. Maybe I wasn’t exposed to enough of them growing up. I went to 3 between the ages of 1 and 22 and I don’t have older siblings or cousins that are getting married any time soon. I’ve never been a part of the wedding planning process and my disdain for them came at a very early age. When I was 3, I went up on stage while my dad was giving his Best Man toast at my uncle’s wedding. I think they expected me to say “Happy Wedding, I love you” and give everyone an “Aww” moment. Instead, I told everyone to “stand up and sit down on their doody guts.” Boom. Mic drop.
I have a bunch of gripes with weddings. I don’t understand Bridal Showers, and I certainly don’t want to show up at the end with flowers and have people take pictures of such a contrived photo-op. I don’t like wedding games or the other bullshit that wedding MCs make a living coming up with. I don’t care for the same cookie-cutter crap everyone else does.
But top of the list has got to be picking out what you want to eat three months in advance on the RSVP card. How the fuck am I supposed to know, and subsequently remember day-of, what I want to eat 3 months in advance? I don’t even know what I want for lunch and I just finished my breakfast bagel.
I know one thing I never want to order at a wedding, however: Human Children.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think an aversion to cannibalism qualifies as a “dietary restriction.”
Also, 12-and-under seems like a wide swath for meat. If you order an aged steak, you know you’re not getting veal. Shouldn’t the same be true for human flesh?
These dinner options also seem awfully vague. Beef what? Prime Rib? Fillet Mignon? Pork what? Chops? Tenderloin? And what about the child? We talking Baby Back Ribs, or what?
I kid, of course (pun ABSOLUTELY intended), and I’m sure this is in reference to a children’s meal which will hopefully be chicken fingers because anything else would be a travesty. Seriously, there’s no reason that a kids meal should be anything but chicken fingers and if I know that in advance of a wedding, that’s what I’m gonna order.
If not, well, congratulations to the future Mr. and Mrs. Donner on their upcoming nuptials; I’m sure it’ll be one hell of a party.