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Things I’ve Gotten Worse At: Weekends

Things I've Gotten Worse At: Weekends

Read last week’s Things I’ve Gotten Worse At: Music.

Friday

22-year-old John: Ahhhh, the weekend got here so quick! Who’s up for drinks after work?
28-year-old JR: I didn’t think I’d make it this week. Almost ended it all on Wednesday afternoon.

John: Damnit, nothing to eat! Bro, I’m gonna order us a couple ‘zas for later. Pequods sound good?
JR: Ehh, you’re right, we should probably hit Trader Joe’s. We’re out of groceries groceries.

John: I really shouldn’t stay out too late, I’ve got a BIG weekend planned. (stays out until 2AM)
JR: Great, she fell asleep a third of the way through Inception. Ironic.

Saturday

John: (wakes up at 11 a.m.) Fuck I didn’t even get to sleep in.
JR: (wakes up at 9 a.m.) Fuck I slept in.

John: Do you think there’s time for me to hit the gym before we go to the beach?
JR: My back is a little tight. Looks like I’m not going to the gym this weekend.

John: The party doesn’t start until later so we have plenty of time to grab food and pregame tonight.
JR: What type of two-year-old’s birthday party starts at 10 a.m. and goes all afternoon?

John: Since I don’t do laundry until Sunday I guess I’m wearing something wrinkled from the basket.
JR: Yeah I’ll sit here for an hour while you try on everything Anthropologie has on sale. No, I won’t hold your purse.

John: Gotta stop by Costco to pick up an extra large bottle of Jack and more microwavable burritos! Can you come with me so I can use your card?
JR: We should probably hit Costco with the intent to buy three things and the reality of leaving with sixteen.

John: Dude, you know who I heard will be there tonight? So and so’s sister, she’s about to graduate.
JR: Dinner plans with that couple from your office? You did NOT put it on our calendar.

John: Nothing like a night out at the bar with my boys!
JR: What do you mean I was too quiet? They talked about their three-year-old the entire time, what was I supposed to contribute?

John: I hope I get laid tonight.
JR: Here come the desert menus. No way I get laid tonight.

Sunday

John: Where are we meeting to watch the game today? Let’s find a spot with wings and post up.
JR: Oh sure, of course, I can’t skip brunch with your parents. It’s only Game 7.

John: Still nothing to eat in the fridge. Guess I’m ordering takeout!
JR: We should probably go back to Whole Foods for the stuff we forgot at Trader Joe’s on Friday and Costco on Saturday.

John: No, I don’t want to go on a hike. What a waste of time.
JR: No, I don’t want to go on a hike. There’s never been a time in my life I have said I want to go on a hike.

John: This apartment is filthy. (picks up beer cans) (half-assedly Swiffers)
JR: Just let me sit here in my chair and watch everything I’ve DVRed this week PLEASE!!!

John: I’ll start laundry way too late so I’m up half the night playing vid games while I wait for it to be done.
JR: Oh man, the Scaries are hitting me hard. I’m going to stare at the ceiling tonight for hours.

Monday morning

John: My weekend was epic! How was yours?
JR: I didn’t do anything this weekend.

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JR Hickey

Stand up comedian and writer from Chicago who now resides on the West Coast. JR can be seen performing at Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco and Zanies Comedy Clubs in Chicago. His work has been published in the Chicago Tribune and recently he was a part of SF Sketchfest 2015.

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