Things I’ve Gotten Worse At: Happy Hours

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Things I've Gotten Worse At: Happy Hours

A Gmail event invite comes through at 2:05 p.m. The subject line is about someone leaving or someone joining or someone’s birthday or someone’s in town, whatever. Followed by, “…mandatory HH after work!”

22-year-old John: “Oh sweet, free drinks after work AND the basketball game’s on tonight. I really need to blow off some steam. This is going to be dope!”
28-year-old JR: “Not another one of these fucking things.”

John: “Should I get to the bar early and save us a spot? I don’t mind going down there early with a few of the other sales assistants.”
JR: “Yeah I’m going to be about an hour late.”

John: “Shots? I’m gonna order us a round of shots! Who can put down their corporate card?”
JR: “I’ll take a vodka soda to nurse for the next two hours. I’m doing a no-carb thing.”

John: “HAHAHA, holy shit I can’t believe how funny this guy from the cube across the aisle from me is. I’ve gotta hang out with him on the weekends!”
JR: “Why is everyone here talking about what we just talked about at work all day? Losers.”

John: “Seriously what a GAME! I’m going to regurgitate something I heard on sports talk radio at my desk today and pass it off as my own to sound like I’m a ‘sports guy.’”
JR: scrolls through Twitter

John: “Do you think we can order food? I’m starving but don’t want to get in trouble for being the only one who orders food. I guess I’m good with these nachos!”
JR: “Yeah, hi, can I order the Cobb Salad, entrée portion? Oh and a turkey burger to go. Put it on her card over there.”

John: “Oh man, that hot assistant I’ve never spoken to is finally giving me the time of day! Maybe I can score her digits and get on that this weekend! I’d better lay some groundwork.”
JR: “The Capital R Roommate is going to be so pissed I’m not coming home to catch up on New Girl with her.”

John: “Now that I’ve had a few drinks I should go over to the Senior VP and make a good impression. I mean, eventually I’ll want him to promote me!”
JR: “Great, the Senior VP is here. I’m setting the over/under for how long until he sexually harasses someone at 10 minutes”

John: “This is so awesome that we all are getting a chance to cut loose like this! You guys really are just as important to me as my family.”
JR: “Fuck these people I’m probably changing companies soon anyways.”

John: “Man, our group really thinned out all of a sudden. Everybody must be in the bathroom I guess.”
JR: exhales weed smoke outside in the alley “Can you guys believe that new guy John? I hate that guy”

John: “Awww are people really leaving?! Who wants to head to one more bar with me?! You’ve got a corporate card right?!”
JR: “Yeah, Uber for JR? Can you please step on it?”

The next morning…

John: “Only got four hours of sleep but here I am, bright eyed and bushy tailed with the same shirt on as yesterday!”
JR: “Sorry for being my usual 20 minutes late. Nevermind, I’m not sorry.”

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