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Things I’ve Gotten Worse At: Happy Hours

Things I've Gotten Worse At: Happy Hours

A Gmail event invite comes through at 2:05 p.m. The subject line is about someone leaving or someone joining or someone’s birthday or someone’s in town, whatever. Followed by, “…mandatory HH after work!”

22-year-old John: “Oh sweet, free drinks after work AND the basketball game’s on tonight. I really need to blow off some steam. This is going to be dope!”
28-year-old JR: “Not another one of these fucking things.”

John: “Should I get to the bar early and save us a spot? I don’t mind going down there early with a few of the other sales assistants.”
JR: “Yeah I’m going to be about an hour late.”

John: “Shots? I’m gonna order us a round of shots! Who can put down their corporate card?”
JR: “I’ll take a vodka soda to nurse for the next two hours. I’m doing a no-carb thing.”

John: “HAHAHA, holy shit I can’t believe how funny this guy from the cube across the aisle from me is. I’ve gotta hang out with him on the weekends!”
JR: “Why is everyone here talking about what we just talked about at work all day? Losers.”

John: “Seriously what a GAME! I’m going to regurgitate something I heard on sports talk radio at my desk today and pass it off as my own to sound like I’m a ‘sports guy.’”
JR: scrolls through Twitter

John: “Do you think we can order food? I’m starving but don’t want to get in trouble for being the only one who orders food. I guess I’m good with these nachos!”
JR: “Yeah, hi, can I order the Cobb Salad, entrée portion? Oh and a turkey burger to go. Put it on her card over there.”

John: “Oh man, that hot assistant I’ve never spoken to is finally giving me the time of day! Maybe I can score her digits and get on that this weekend! I’d better lay some groundwork.”
JR: “The Capital R Roommate is going to be so pissed I’m not coming home to catch up on New Girl with her.”

John: “Now that I’ve had a few drinks I should go over to the Senior VP and make a good impression. I mean, eventually I’ll want him to promote me!”
JR: “Great, the Senior VP is here. I’m setting the over/under for how long until he sexually harasses someone at 10 minutes”

John: “This is so awesome that we all are getting a chance to cut loose like this! You guys really are just as important to me as my family.”
JR: “Fuck these people I’m probably changing companies soon anyways.”

John: “Man, our group really thinned out all of a sudden. Everybody must be in the bathroom I guess.”
JR: exhales weed smoke outside in the alley “Can you guys believe that new guy John? I hate that guy”

John: “Awww are people really leaving?! Who wants to head to one more bar with me?! You’ve got a corporate card right?!”
JR: “Yeah, Uber for JR? Can you please step on it?”

The next morning…

John: “Only got four hours of sleep but here I am, bright eyed and bushy tailed with the same shirt on as yesterday!”
JR: “Sorry for being my usual 20 minutes late. Nevermind, I’m not sorry.”

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JR Hickey

Stand up comedian and writer from Chicago who now resides on the West Coast. JR can be seen performing at Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco and Zanies Comedy Clubs in Chicago. His work has been published in the Chicago Tribune and recently he was a part of SF Sketchfest 2015. JR's also the host of the PGP dating podcast Don't Take It From Us. He loves you very, very much.

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