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Things I’ve Gotten Worse At: Grocery Shopping

Things I've Gotten Worse At: Grocery Shopping

Read last week’s Things I’ve Gotten Worse At: Exercising

20 year-old John: Time to make my bi-weekly trip to the Dominick’s in Lincoln Park!
28 year-old JR: Are we really at fucking Whole Foods again? I need to pay better attention to where we’re going when she drives.

20 year-old John: My fridge is completely bare, so I basically need to buy everything.
28 year-old JR: “I don’t have the list. I thought you had the list. There is no way we’ll remember everything that was on that list.”

20 year-old John: I like to stock up and put anything extra I buy in the freezer to enjoy later.
28 year-old JR: We come here like five times a week and only buy enough ingredients for ONE MEAL each time.

20 year-old John: OK, first off: breakfast stuff. Eggs, bacon, waffles, OJ, Pop-Tarts…
28 year-old JR: I’m not paying $6 for a dozen brown eggs. I don’t care how well the chickens were treated – we’re getting the two-dollar box.

20 year-old John: Definitely need a few loaves of bread. Love having bread with every meal.
28 year-old JR: walks past bread aisle

20 year-old John: Couple pounds of sando meat are a must. My apartment is going to smell like a goddamn Italian deli.
28 year-old JR: I’m going to lie and tell her these chicken breasts don’t have rib meat on them.

20 year-old John: Dozen Honeycrisp apples, boom. Healthy and fucking delicious.
28 year-old JR: “No, we don’t need three things of berries. We only eat them at breakfast and always end up throwing one away. You are not going to start making smoothies you liar!”

20 year-old John: Aww man, I should probably grab some vegetables. Celery’s a healthy veggie right? I’ll eat it with the frozen buffalo wings I got for dinner.
28 year-old JR: We need a bag of spinach since the spinach we bought last week went bad. Plus some avocados that will only be ripe for a small three-minute window while we’re asleep.

20 year-old John: Can’t forget the ingredients to my favorite meal: pasta, vodka sauce and meatballs. A nice filling dinner that I can eat all weekend!
28 year-old JR: “Who cares if they were raised on a farm, salmon is salmon. I’m not paying ten more bucks because this one swam by a turtle once.”

20 year-old John: I’m completely out of booze and need to stock my fridge. grabs case of Rolling Rock cans
28 year-old JR: “Babe, look! They have whiskey here. Do we have whiskey ? Didn’t I just buy whiskey? Either way I’m getting this for our bar.”

At checkout

20 year-old John: “Uhh yeah I’m going to need some bags.”
28 year-old JR: “Hey! We brought these from home. Remove those bag charges.”

20 year-old John: Nice! Kept everything under $75 bucks
28 year-old JR: How in the everloving fuck did these five things cost almost $110?

20 year-old John: Now to speed walk half a mile home carrying all these bags while my traps feel like they’re going to explode.
28 year-old JR: “What?!? Now we have to go to COSTCO too?”

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JR Hickey

Stand up comedian and writer from Chicago who now resides on the West Coast. JR can be seen performing at Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco and Zanies Comedy Clubs in Chicago. His work has been published in the Chicago Tribune and recently he was a part of SF Sketchfest 2015. JR's also the host of the PGP dating podcast Don't Take It From Us. He loves you very, very much.

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