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Things I’ve Gotten Worse At: Friendship

Things I've Gotten Worse At

Read last week’s Things I’ve Gotten Worse At: Grocery Shopping.

At the office

21-year-old John: First day? Let me take you to lunch.
28-year-old JR: First day? Janet can answer any and all questions you might have.

21-year-old John: New to the city? You should come by to crush beers some weekend.
28-year-old JR: I live really far away. You wouldn’t know where it was.

21-year-old John: Dude are you wearing the same blue shirt as me? Let’s go out tonight and hunt for chicks together.
28-year-old JR: J Crew 40% off sale? Looks like our girlfriends drag us both to the same mall.

21-year-old John: You more of a tit guy or ass guy?
28-year-old JR: I’d just prefer that her face isn’t leathered and beat like a Native American bongo.

21-year-old John: It’s so great horsing around in the office with you guys. We need to find a rooftop bar on Saturday and talk shit about our other coworkers!
28-year-old JR: As soon as 5 p.m. on Friday hits, pretend I died three years ago.

Outside of work

21-year-old John: Bro you’re a Pack fan- I’m a Bears fan! Let’s meet at a bar every Sunday and talk shit to each other for eight hours straight.
28-year-old JR: I prefer to sit on my couch in a drunken stupor in front of RedZone with zero human interaction.

21-year-old John: How lucky is it that our girls are besties? You being a solid dude really makes double dating more bearable.
28-year-old JR: Babe, your friend’s husband is a toolbag. All he does is play golf. When I asked him his thoughts on the Draft he said he hopes it doesn’t get reinstated.

21-year-old John: Of course I’ll come be a sub for your office softball team! It’ll be tight to meet everyone I’ve heard so much about.
28-year-old JR: Sorry, I’ve got an early conference call I’m not going to dial into.

21-year-old John: How about after we crush this workout we go out and grab some grub?
28-year-old JR: Why is this loner at the gym talking to me? Go bother a homeless person or something.

21-year-old John: Totally intro me to your old roommate. If he’s moving to the city I want to make sure he knows somebody here he can trust!
28-year-old JR: Sorry, I’m gone most weekends. Tell him I heard online dating helps (shrugs)

With your actual friends

21-year-old John: Of course I’ll help you move apartments! You did me such a solid giving me a hand earlier this summer.
28-year-old JR: Here’s the number for the people we used. Good luck.

21-year-old John: Sorry to hear you and Kassie broke up. We definitely need a boy’s trip somewhere to get you laid. Vegas? Mexico?!
28-year-old JR: I think the receptionist at my office would blow ya.

21-year-old John: Let’s grab dinner! grabs bar happy hour menu
28-year-old JR: Let’s grab dinner. taps on Open Table

21-year-old John: When that day comes where I’m marrying the girl of my dreams, you eleven bros will be up there standing next to me.
28-year-old JR: Well I have three brothers and three guys I’ve known for more than ten years; that’ll probably do it.

21-year-old John: I would lie down in traffic for you guys. Thanks for always being there for me.
28-year-old JR: Dude, I didn’t realize you got off Facebook. M’bad. Happy belated birthday.

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JR Hickey

Stand up comedian and writer from Chicago who now resides on the West Coast. JR can be seen performing at Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco and Zanies Comedy Clubs in Chicago. His work has been published in the Chicago Tribune and recently he was a part of SF Sketchfest 2015. JR's also the host of the PGP dating podcast Don't Take It From Us. He loves you very, very much.

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