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Things I’ve Gotten Worse At: Exercising

Things I've Gotten Worse At: Exercising

Read last week’s Things I’ve Gotten Worse At: Business Trips.

22-year-old John: Friday night! Can’t wait to get a good long lift in at the gym.
28-year-old JR: I guess I’ll go tonight. I generally despise everyone and nobody’s there on a Friday.

John: Takes 30 minute El ride into the Loop to go to a “sports club.”
JR: Walks one block to neighborhood gym.

John: Perfect, my lifting partner Oak is here! I love that big motherfucker — he always pushes my limits.
JR: Oh no, that weird German guy is here. He always works out in jeans and asks me to spot him.

John: Gotta warm up the engine! A brisk two-mile run on the treadmill should do the trick.
JR: One mile. And not fast enough where I can’t text.

John: Now some deep hip and back stretches that Oak can help me with. I’m all about maintaining flexibility while at the same time increasing strength.
JR: I guess I loosened my muscles up when I ran.

John: “Oh dude, I love this song! They always play the best music on Friday nights.”
JR: Why haven’t I made a workout playlist on my Spotify? I guess now’s as good a time as any to start one.

John: Alright, today’s chest, back, and abs day. I’ll hit each muscle area with three different exercises. I should probably superset too since it’s all about muscle confusion.
JR: I’m just going to walk around the gym in circles until I find a machine that’s both unoccupied and looks easy.

John:
I’ve been tracking my lifting progress in my phone and I’ve made some huge gains these past three weeks!
JR: Zero idea what weight I should start with. 40 sounds heavy.

John: “7, 8, 9, 10! I think I can push through and do two more! Spot me, Oak.”
JR: What number was I on again? Eh it feels like I almost did ten.

John: “Bro, did you see the girl’s ass over there on the elliptical? Don’t stare! Find some sort of excuse to walk by her!”
JR: I think that chick used to be a man. I’m not transphobic, I’ve just never seen shoulders like that on a woman.

John: Last thing we need to do is attack that core. Let’s get on the ground and do some planks!
JR: lies down on ground

John: The best way to cool down after a two-hour workout is a couple games of HORSE. Loser buys dinner!
JR: The best way to cool down after a 38-minute workout is to sit on the ground and look at Instagram. Then order dinner from GrubHub.

John: Better hit the steam room and sauna to really detox before the weekend. Then it’s cold shower time and Oak and I will hit up some late-night dinner.
JR: Leaves gym in the middle of his third-to-last set

John: This protein shake is so good, tastes like chocolate milk.
JR: This whiskey is so good, tastes like whiskey.

The next morning

John: Man, I’m sore! Better get my workout in early today so I have the remainder of the weekend for rest and recovery.
JR: Man, I’m hungover. Guess I’m not going to the gym again anytime soon.

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JR Hickey

Stand up comedian and writer from Chicago who now resides on the West Coast. JR can be seen performing at Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco and Zanies Comedy Clubs in Chicago. His work has been published in the Chicago Tribune and recently he was a part of SF Sketchfest 2015. JR's also the host of the PGP dating podcast Don't Take It From Us. He loves you very, very much.

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