18 year old John: Just got my paycheck! Time to hit the mall on Saturday and pick up some fresh threads.
28 year old JR: Damn, it’s been like 14 months since I’ve bought new clothes.
John: Love spending all day at the mall trying to find the perfect outfit for the weekend.
JR: If we go to more than one store I’ll throw a fit and sit underneath a mannequin like a child.
John: I always walk right to the Sales rack to see if I can sniff out a good deal.
JR: The Capital R Roommate always walks right to the Sales rack and insists I buy half a dozen things I don’t need.
John: I’m going to be real sneaky-like and try to return a shirt I bought over thirty days ago.
JR: I’m going to see if the assistant manager will accept my return even though the shirt is faded from three years of wear and tear.
John: I hope the guys in my office don’t notice that I wear the same clothes for each day of the week.
JR: The guys in my office can go fuck themselves.
John: Definitely can’t afford this. I’m going to keep the security tags on and return it tomorrow.
JR: Great – I ordered three different sizes of this jacket online then forget to return the other two in time.
John: You can’t pass up 60% off. You just can’t!
JR: This assistant manager won’t let me return the shirt. This pisses me off so much.
John: “Wait, I didn’t realize Costco carried clothes!” I can buy everything I need to wear there.
JR: The intern in my office wears those shiny button-down Kirkland shirts I call “balloonwear.” Wouldn’t be caught dead in that shit.
John: Good thing I still have friends that work at Footlocker to give me discounts on fresh kicks.
JR: I wear special shoes for my plantar fasciitis.
John: I’m going to wait around for a big sale before I commit to such an expensive purchase.
JR: I’m going to wait in the men’s room until the mall closes and follow the assistant manager to his car.
John: “You’re going to J Crew? Did you get money for your birthday or something?”
JR: Not sure why I have a pair of chinos in every color. I just wear the same two pairs of jeans: the dark ones and the darker ones.
John: Whoops, almost walked out of the store wearing that sweatshirt. I wouldn’t want to get in trouble.
JR: Of course I shoplift. I’m also buying a bunch of stuff too- in case I get caught I can just say I forgot to put them in my bag. White male privilege.
John: Gotta stop at Lids and pick up a fresh new flat brim before leaving. Size 7 5/8’s of course.
JR: “Oh my God what have I done…” I can’t believe this happened again.
John: “Yup, in my white tee!” There’s no way these ever go out of style.
JR: I only buy slim cut mediums. It’s to motivate me to keep the weight off.
John: Ehhh I don’t know how I feel about this outfit. If I’m on the fence it’s not worth buying.
JR: “Fine I’ll get it. No you like it so I’ll get it.” I probably won’t ever wear it.
John: As soon as I get home I’m throwing all of these new items in the laundry. I’ll probably shrink a third of them.
JR: *washes blood off in gas station bathroom*.
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