Columns

Things I’ve Gotten Worse At: Clothes Shopping

Things I've Gotten Worse at

Read last week’s Things I’ve Gotten Worse At: Job Interviews.

18 year old John: Just got my paycheck! Time to hit the mall on Saturday and pick up some fresh threads.
28 year old JR: Damn, it’s been like 14 months since I’ve bought new clothes.

John: Love spending all day at the mall trying to find the perfect outfit for the weekend.
JR: If we go to more than one store I’ll throw a fit and sit underneath a mannequin like a child.

John: I always walk right to the Sales rack to see if I can sniff out a good deal.
JR: The Capital R Roommate always walks right to the Sales rack and insists I buy half a dozen things I don’t need.

John: I’m going to be real sneaky-like and try to return a shirt I bought over thirty days ago.
JR: I’m going to see if the assistant manager will accept my return even though the shirt is faded from three years of wear and tear.

John: I hope the guys in my office don’t notice that I wear the same clothes for each day of the week.
JR: The guys in my office can go fuck themselves.

John: Definitely can’t afford this. I’m going to keep the security tags on and return it tomorrow.
JR: Great – I ordered three different sizes of this jacket online then forget to return the other two in time.

John: You can’t pass up 60% off. You just can’t!
JR: This assistant manager won’t let me return the shirt. This pisses me off so much.

John: “Wait, I didn’t realize Costco carried clothes!” I can buy everything I need to wear there.
JR: The intern in my office wears those shiny button-down Kirkland shirts I call “balloonwear.” Wouldn’t be caught dead in that shit.

John: Good thing I still have friends that work at Footlocker to give me discounts on fresh kicks.
JR: I wear special shoes for my plantar fasciitis.

John: I’m going to wait around for a big sale before I commit to such an expensive purchase.
JR: I’m going to wait in the men’s room until the mall closes and follow the assistant manager to his car.

John: “You’re going to J Crew? Did you get money for your birthday or something?”
JR: Not sure why I have a pair of chinos in every color. I just wear the same two pairs of jeans: the dark ones and the darker ones.

John: Whoops, almost walked out of the store wearing that sweatshirt. I wouldn’t want to get in trouble.
JR: Of course I shoplift. I’m also buying a bunch of stuff too- in case I get caught I can just say I forgot to put them in my bag. White male privilege.

John: Gotta stop at Lids and pick up a fresh new flat brim before leaving. Size 7 5/8’s of course.
JR: “Oh my God what have I done…” I can’t believe this happened again.

John: “Yup, in my white tee!” There’s no way these ever go out of style.
JR: I only buy slim cut mediums. It’s to motivate me to keep the weight off.

John: Ehhh I don’t know how I feel about this outfit. If I’m on the fence it’s not worth buying.
JR: “Fine I’ll get it. No you like it so I’ll get it.” I probably won’t ever wear it.

John: As soon as I get home I’m throwing all of these new items in the laundry. I’ll probably shrink a third of them.
JR: *washes blood off in gas station bathroom*

Image via Shutterstock

Email this to a friend

JR Hickey

Stand up comedian and writer from Chicago who now resides on the West Coast. JR can be seen performing at Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco and Zanies Comedy Clubs in Chicago. His work has been published in the Chicago Tribune and recently he was a part of SF Sketchfest 2015. JR's also the host of the PGP dating podcast Don't Take It From Us. He loves you very, very much.

31 Comments You must log in to comment, or create an account
Show Comments

For More Photos and Content

Latest podcasts

Download Our App

Take PGP with you. Get

New Stories

Load More