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Things I’ve Gotten Worse At: Budgeting

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Read last week’s Things I’ve Gotten Worse At: Fitting In.

22-year-old John: Got my first paycheck! Wow, eight-hundred whole dollars. I hope I can stretch this out.
28-year-old JR: There’s no way it’s legal how much money they’re taking out for taxes.

John: *laughs* Why would I start paying off my student loans. I’ll just defer for as long as possible.
JR: So close to being done paying off these loans; only about ten more years to go.

John: I’ve really gotta stop going out to eat all the time!
JR: I’ve really got to stop showing up at out-of-state strip clubs like this.

John: Okay, I think I can get away with spending $45 a week on groceries.
JR: How can two people go to Costco four times a month? That doesn’t even seem possible.

John: Sorry, dude, there’s no way I can come visit. I’m tapped this month.
JR: I’ll just throw it on a cc. I need the points anyways.

John: Oh man, I should check to see if I have enough money in my checking account to cover this bar tab.
JR: I do not have enough money to pay for this stripper.

John: You know what, my rent’s due in two weeks. I’ll just have a well vodka soda.
JR: I’ll buy the first round and then forget and buy the next.

John: Once a year I try to get away for a long weekend. Somewhere cool, like Florida.
JR: No, we’re not going to Europe again this year. Go walk around the block.

John: My old man’s gonna kill me when he sees my statement.
JR: I’m going to kill this stripper.

John: Happy Birthday, babe. I hope you like the $40 necklace I got you from Nordstrom Rack!
JR: I’ve never heard of a Birthday Month before, it sounds like something a spoiled girl would make up.

John: I’ll take you out to dinner too – most likely a “fancy” chain restaurant where our bill won’t be over $150.
JR: Sure, I had to pay some Indian kid from Silicon Valley $150 for this reservation timeslot he hacked but anything for you during your “Birthday Month.”

John: Is your happy hour still going on?
JR: Where are your hacksaws? And 50-gallon trash bags?

John: I only use my credit card for emergencies.
JR: I really messed up spreading business and personal expenses out across three different cards for no rhyme or reason.

John: Oh man, it says the bus won’t be here for 27 minutes! Guess I’m forced to wait in the cold.
JR: I’ll prolly say this Uber ride was for a business trip.

John: I hope my next paycheck is deposited before my automatic payment is deducted.
JR: I hope I can get this smell out of the trunk of my car.

John: Here’s the plan: I’ll order a full order of pasta at this work lunch so I can take half home for dinner tonight.
JR: *waves at Whole Foods cashier* Hey Simone…

John: I usually just wait until Christmas to ask for some new clothes.
JR: A clothing website is having a one-day only online sale. Better stock up for the fall before it’s too late!

John: I think it’s definitely a good idea to write out a budget.
JR: I think I have a serious problem.

Image via Shutterstock

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JR Hickey

Stand up comedian and writer from Chicago who now resides on the West Coast. JR can be seen performing at Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco and Zanies Comedy Clubs in Chicago. His work has been published in the Chicago Tribune and recently he was a part of SF Sketchfest 2015. JR's also the host of the PGP dating podcast Don't Take It From Us. He loves you very, very much.

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