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Things I’ve Gotten Worse At: Anniversaries

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Read last week’s Things I’ve Gotten Worse At:Houseguests.

22 year old John: “I have a whole weekend planned for our six month anniversary babe!”
28 year old JR: Oh goddamnit, not again.

John: spends entire lunch break on a handwritten card
JR: grabs one from Walgreens and signs it on the bus ride home

John: “Did you like the flowers I sent to your office?” Found a coupon online and got them for a steal – $74.99!
JR: “No, we have enough flowers around the apartment.” From our thousand trips to Trader Joes.

John: “I called ahead months ago and made us a reservation at that restaurant you’ve been talking about.”
JR: “I thought you said you’d make the reservation!? Open Table says there’s a 4:15 or a 10:45 available.”

John: holds hands walking to restaurant
JR: “Stop picking your nails!”

John: Let’s talk about our future together. “What’s our five-year plan?”
JR: Let’s stare silently at our phones. “When can we upgrade our plan?”

John: “Remember the first time we met? Feels like just yesterday. “
JR: “I was pretty fucking drunk when we met.”

John: I love how social this restaurant is with everybody sitting at these long tables!
JR: “It’s too loud in here.” I can’t eavesdrop on the couple next to us.

John: I made sure to let the hostess know it’s our anniversary and slipped her a twenty so they do something special for us.
JR: We already say it’s our anniversary every time we go out to eat so tonight’s free dessert is no different.

John: Babe, did you bring your digital camera? We need to have the waitress take half a dozen photos of us for our Facebooks!
JR: “Hey put your phone down and smile.” *takes selfie* “You post it.”

John: Let’s have a few more drinks and talk about our wildest fantasies.
JR: We can’t stay for another drink I have to get home for the fantasy football draft.

John: “I know we said we wouldn’t do gifts but…” I went out of my way to get you something overpriced for the occasion.
JR: “I mean it, we’re spending too much money
lately.”

John: “Put your purse away, this is on me. You just being here is my anniversary gift.”
JR: So $75 for the flowers plus almost $200 for dinner means she’s gotta have a decent gift waiting at home for me.

John: “Baby are you cold? Here, wear my jacket.”
JR: Maybe it’s that jacket I not so subtly told her I wanted her to get me.

John: “Let’s have anniversary sex!”
JR: “We should probably knock one out.” It is a special occasion.

John: *cuddles afterwards*
JR: *high fives afterwards*

John: “So let’s talk about what we should do for your BIRTHDAY next!”
JR: I’m doomed.

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JR Hickey

Stand up comedian and writer from Chicago who now resides on the West Coast. JR can be seen performing at Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco and Zanies Comedy Clubs in Chicago. His work has been published in the Chicago Tribune and recently he was a part of SF Sketchfest 2015. JR's also the host of the PGP dating podcast Don't Take It From Us. He loves you very, very much.

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