Things I’ve Gotten Worse At: Anniversaries

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Read last week’s Things I’ve Gotten Worse At:Houseguests.

22 year old John: “I have a whole weekend planned for our six month anniversary babe!”
28 year old JR: Oh goddamnit, not again.

John: spends entire lunch break on a handwritten card
JR: grabs one from Walgreens and signs it on the bus ride home

John: “Did you like the flowers I sent to your office?” Found a coupon online and got them for a steal – $74.99!
JR: “No, we have enough flowers around the apartment.” From our thousand trips to Trader Joes.

John: “I called ahead months ago and made us a reservation at that restaurant you’ve been talking about.”
JR: “I thought you said you’d make the reservation!? Open Table says there’s a 4:15 or a 10:45 available.”

John: holds hands walking to restaurant
JR: “Stop picking your nails!”

John: Let’s talk about our future together. “What’s our five-year plan?”
JR: Let’s stare silently at our phones. “When can we upgrade our plan?”

John: “Remember the first time we met? Feels like just yesterday. “
JR: “I was pretty fucking drunk when we met.”

John: I love how social this restaurant is with everybody sitting at these long tables!
JR: “It’s too loud in here.” I can’t eavesdrop on the couple next to us.

John: I made sure to let the hostess know it’s our anniversary and slipped her a twenty so they do something special for us.
JR: We already say it’s our anniversary every time we go out to eat so tonight’s free dessert is no different.

John: Babe, did you bring your digital camera? We need to have the waitress take half a dozen photos of us for our Facebooks!
JR: “Hey put your phone down and smile.” *takes selfie* “You post it.”

John: Let’s have a few more drinks and talk about our wildest fantasies.
JR: We can’t stay for another drink I have to get home for the fantasy football draft.

John: “I know we said we wouldn’t do gifts but…” I went out of my way to get you something overpriced for the occasion.
JR: “I mean it, we’re spending too much money

John: “Put your purse away, this is on me. You just being here is my anniversary gift.”
JR: So $75 for the flowers plus almost $200 for dinner means she’s gotta have a decent gift waiting at home for me.

John: “Baby are you cold? Here, wear my jacket.”
JR: Maybe it’s that jacket I not so subtly told her I wanted her to get me.

John: “Let’s have anniversary sex!”
JR: “We should probably knock one out.” It is a special occasion.

John: *cuddles afterwards*
JR: *high fives afterwards*

John: “So let’s talk about what we should do for your BIRTHDAY next!”
JR: I’m doomed.

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