Columns

Things Girls Do After Graduation: Phone Dates

Things Girls Do After Graduation: Phone Dates

Catch up with Things Girls Do After Graduation by reading the entire archive.

“Dish, girl – how was your final Thanksgiving a single lady?”

[Caroline talking]

“Ugh, I know, I’m going ano for the next week. I ate so much freaking pie.”

[Caroline talking]

“I don’t even want to talk about it, it was stupid. And tbh, you-know-who is on the couch right now watching football and can probs hear us.”

[Caroline talking]

“Oh, no, we don’t have any plans this weekend – do you want to try that new sushi place on 27th? Ginger? Is that what it’s called?”

[Caroline talking]

“They don’t have all-you-can-drink sake but that might be a good thing after how you handled it when the boys were at John’s bachelor party…”

[Caroline talking]

“Hahahaha, you were totes fine, I’m kidding. But seriously, you were hamskied.”

[Caroline talking]

“I know, I’m such the mom of the group. But like, seriously, I don’t care at all. Consider it your wedding gift.”

[Caroline talking]

“L-O-L, I’m kidding, I’ve been planning your wedding gift since, like, before you even got engaged.”

[Caroline talking]

“I haven’t gotten him anything yet, when you’re back in town we should go to Nordie’s and shop. it. up.”

[Caroline talking]

“Seriously, though, Todd might be getting a small present this year because this funemployment stuff isn’t cheap. Mama’s poor.”

*Todd looks over to the kitchen where she’s sitting at the island*

“I mean, I think Todd knows what I want this year.”

[Caroline talking]

*Todd rolls his eyes*

“Uh, yeah, it rhymes with ‘schmerschmagement schming.'”

[Caroline talking]

“Hahahahahaha I’m so bad.”

[Caroline talking]

“He’s clearly, like, not even thinking about it. Besides, I’d probs kill myself if he tried to do it around your wedding and accidentally upstaged you.”

[Caroline talking]

“Right? Getting engaged at someone else’s wedding is tackier than having your bridesmaids all wear the same style of dress.”

[Caroline talking]

“Speaking of, are you just, like, so excited?”

[Caroline talking]

“I’ve, like, never even had the idea to have a New Year’s Eve wedding – I’m so jelly.

[Caroline talking]

“Honestly, anyone that complains about traveling over the holidays is just so dumb. Like, what else were you going to do for New Year’s? Go to the same club you went to the five years before and pay $200 to party with a bunch of immature college kids? No. Thank. You.”

[Caroline talking]

“Earth to Caroline – you’re going to have the best wedding ever. Well, I mean, until mine. JK, totes just kidding but seriously.”

[Caroline talking]

“Whatevs – should we get a spa day right before Christmas to decompress?”

[Caroline talking]

“Uh, yeah, I’ll book like the second I get off the phone.”

*takes phone away from ear and puts Caroline on speaker so she can look at spa reservations*

Girl: Hahaha, I’m so bad, the spa automatically came up when I started typing in the name.

Caroline: John would kill me if he knew how much I’ve spent there over the last year.

*Todd looks over again*

*she takes Caroline off speaker phone*

[Caroline talking]

“Uh, yeah, I’ll just make the reservation later, sorry.”

[Caroline talking]

“Hahahaha, trust me, after what Finn did last week, I don’t think the boys are going to gossip much about us.”

[Caroline talking]

“Right? Katie is so not the type to care. Finn has it so fucking easy and he doesn’t even know it.”

[Caroline talking]

“Oh, me? I don’t care at all. Boys will be boys, ya know?”

*actually cares*

[Caroline talking]

“Ha, ha, ha, I’ll probably get a better Christmas present out of it.”

*looks at Todd while jokingly (not jokingly at all) points at ring finger*

[Caroline talking]

“Oh, he absolutely hates me right now. He’s pretending like he can’t hear me.”

[Caroline talking]

“Yeah, I’d totes be down to do that – I didn’t realize you were already in town.”

[Caroline talking]

“Oh, shit yes. I can be there in like, twenty.”

[Caroline talking]

“Okay, what are you wearing?”

[Caroline talking]

“Well, I’m not changing so it looks like we’re being twinsies again.”

[Caroline talking]

“Love you too, bitch, see you soon.”

[Caroline talking]

*ends call*

“Alright, Todd, I’m going to go meet Caroline at Pressed to grab a juice and then we’re going to Nordstrom. Make sure you’re ready for drinks tonight with Katie and Finn. Oh, and I’ll probably invite John and Caroline tonight too now that I realize she’s in town – can you call them and up the rezzie to six people instead of four?”

Email this to a friend

Will deFries

Will deFries (@WilldeFries) is the world's foremost authority on Sunday Scaries. Writer, Editor, and Content Manager at Post Grad Problems. Email me at will@grandex.co.

71 Comments You must log in to comment, or create an account

Show Comments

For More Photos and Content

Latest podcasts

Download Our App

Take PGP with you. Get

New Stories

Load More