With wide eyes and an empty stomach, she took an Uber Select to Whole Foods with one intention and one intention only — meal prep. With her New Year’s Resolutions in full swing, she knew that the next step in bettering herself after scheduling a holistic therapist appointment was to increase her day to day health by planning out each and every one of her meals.
As she approached the baskets wearing her favorite athleisure outfit and Celine sunglasses, she pulled out her iPhone and began to scroll her shopping list.
“Mama may need a big cart for this one,” she muttered to herself while standing in the way of people filing in, one after another. Oblivious to the fact that she was blocking everyone from getting their own cart, she threw her bag into her own and got started.
As she approached the produce aisle, she peered down at her list that read:
As she swept up and down the aisle looking for “organic” and “non-GMO” greens, she had the realization she should’ve gone to a farmer’s market for all of this instead.
“But, like, do they even have farmer’s markets in the middle of winter?” she thought to herself while feeling the avocados for softness. Becoming slightly frustrated with the lack of soft avocados, she reached to the back to find some older ones. Fearing the worst — getting home, slicing one open, and seeing brown — she considered buying the pre-sealed avocado spread in a moment of weakness before realizing that there’s no way in hell Gwyneth Paltrow would do that.
“Ugh, whatever, I’ll just get the hard ones and hope they soften by tonight.”
Her list, fairly simple, was sprinkled all over the store. Unsure of the perfect order to go in, she fervently looked at the aisle indicators hoping for the treasure map to get laid out in front of her.
“I feel like the quinoa should be near the rice, and I feel like the olive oil should be near the salad dressings.”
But in passing the meat section, she decided to stop at the seafood counter. “Ugh, it smells like shit over here,” she thought to herself while holding her nose.
“Can I help you miss?” the man behind the counter said.
“Um, yes…” she began while squinting at his name tag. “Carlos? Si, Carlos, I would love some help. Which of the fish is the least fatty?”
“Well, any of these would be fine for you. The tuna, salmon, and trout are all high in Omega-3 fatty acids, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing,” Carlos responded while pointing out the fish he imagined she’d like.
“But they’re fatty.” she shot back.
Carlos, taken back by her tone, considered explaining to her the nutritional value of each fish. “But…” he started again before realizing it wasn’t worth it. “I think you should just get the salmon.”
“Didn’t you just say it was fatty?” she responded again, with her hand twirling her hair in confusion.
“It’s fine.” Carlos responded, unwilling to go any further in the conversation.
Taking her paper-wrapped fish and placing it on the top shelf of her cart, she continued to the main event of her Whole Foods excursion: the containers. Sarah, her work enemy, was known around the office for having the “cutest” office accessories. From her pencils and notebooks to her food containers and lunch bags, her life was seemingly a Pinterest board come to life. Refusing to be outdone in her “New Year, New You” attempts, she was not going to leave Whole Foods without containers that would put Sarah’s to shame.
Perusing the Tupperware with a keen eye for anything remotely pink or seafoam green, she became confused. Where she was hoping to find pastel colors and soft hues, she found hunter greens and cardboard browns. Discouraged with what she considered to be “reusable bullshit,” she sought out a stock boy who was in the nearby wine section.
“Excuse me, are you Carlos?” she inquired.
“Um, no, my name is Matt,” Matt said.
“Oh, okay. Anyway. Do y’all have anything, like, cuter than these containers?”
“Ummm, I don’t think so,” stock boy Matt began. “What do you need ‘cute’ containers for?”
“I’m meal prepping, and these are all, like, blah.”
Laughing to himself a little before regaining his composure, he unknowingly explained to her that they’re “just for food” and “probably don’t need to be cute.”
Wide-eyed, she was shocked and appalled at his lack of care for detail when it came to her needs as a customer. Putting her hands in the air and opening her mouth in shock, she gave him a “…wow, okay, never mind,” before walking back to her cart and pulling out her phone.
Fuming, she pulled out her phone and texted Todd, “You would never believe what just happened to me at Whole Foods.”
Seconds later, her phone vibrated. It was Todd. “What’s up?”
“Never mind,” she responded. “Fuck this. I’m leaving and we’re getting sushi. Uchi, 20 mins. Calling an Uber now. I’ll see you there.”
Leaving her cart in the middle of the store, she grabbed her handbag and large iced coffee and went full-steam to the Whole Foods exit. Putting on her sunglasses, she muttered, “This is why I don’t grocery shop,” as she walked out the door and got into a black Lexus SUV. .
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