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Things From Your Childhood That Were Weirdly Sexual

Everyone wants to remember his or her childhood fondly. You had no responsibilities, no inhibitions, and not a care in the world, except which of your friends to invite to spend the night at your house next Friday. (Timmy was funny, but his mom wouldn’t let him eat candy or have Coke, and Billy didn’t shower, but his brother gave him that old Playboy–that shit was nerve-racking.) It was a time of innocence and naïvety, but when you really start to think about it, some of your favorite childhood toys were insanely sexualized. Everyone has seen what the perverts at Disney snuck into their movies. Every 10 minutes there’s hidden penis or a subliminal sex reference. It’s no wonder our generation is so enthralled by all things sex, because it’s been engrained in our heads since our developmental years. Here are more items from your childhood that you won’t be able to look at the same way again.

Twister

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The folks over Milton Bradley must have been reading up on the Kama Sutra when they pitched this game at the monthly brainstorming session: “How about a game where as many people as possible stand on a 5 by 5 square and have to entangle themselves until it’s just a big, sweaty, clothed orgy?”

“Sounds great, Jim, let’s roll with it…and make sure we center marketing toward pre-teens.”

The amount of awkward boners this game caused rivals only your average Sunday “family night” viewing of some HBO program. This game definitely helped show us that even at 13, variety is the spice of the life. Just when you think you’re stretched too far, someone spins a “left foot, red” and suddenly you’re straddling Alicia from third period English. Her training bra strap is visible, and you pray to God that your basketball shorts conceal your erection.

Finger Paint

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Is there anything Urban Dictionary can’t ruin?

Hungry Hungry Hippos

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Those deviants over at Hasbro not only made the goal of this game to “gobble as many balls as possible,” but they also glamorized eating disorders. That’s a pretty immoral combination. There’s a rumor around the board game world that the working title for this game, when it was in its planning stages, was “Slump Busters.” (Author’s note: this is totally fabricated.)

Bop It

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Hasbro again? The only requirement to work there in the ’90s must have been to be a registered sex offender with an active imagination. Bop It, and especially the later version, Bop It Extreme, was nothing more than a guide to achieving orgasm. One shudders to think how many 13-year-olds locked themselves away in their bedrooms pulling it, twisting it, and flicking it until that box of tissues was empty. Now there’s a generation of young professionals who can’t masturbate without hearing that rhythmic, robotic voice walking them through the process as they scream “BOP ITTTTTT” at climax.

Tickle Me Elmo

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Research for this article actually revealed that many foreplay techniques used by postgrads are directly inspired by childhood playthings. Tickle Me Elmo was no exception. This must-have Christmas toy erased all notions of personal boundaries and helped us learn to please others. Elmo’s only function was to react to your touch with giggles, and when touched in the same area three times, Elmo shook uncontrollably. Sounds like the description of a sex doll they sell at those interstate exit “Adults Only” sex shops. Shame on you, Fisher-Price.

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TN Bluegrass

Grow up, Peter Pan...Count Chocula.

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