If all goes according to the plan we’ve had in our naïve minds since we were little girls–climbing the career ladder, getting married, and having screaming infants–we’re closer that we’d like to admit at becoming “real” adults. As we’re on the cusp of these next several milestones, I can’t help but think of all the things that will soon become unacceptable for young women to do. Before all this happens, let’s take a minute to be grateful for some of the things we need to take advantage of while we still can.
This isn’t necessarily gender-specific, but I think it’s safe to say we’re going to have to cut back on this soon. Can we really wake up in bed with our husbands and be like, “Man I blacked out so hard last night, how’d we get the kids to bed?” Ehhh, not so much. I enjoy a good brownout as much as the next person. I mean, there’s nothing better than waking up to multiple texts from the gal pals saying, “Where did you go? You snuck out of the bathroom window again!” or looking at pictures, delighted to see you made it to that second bar that you have zero memory of. I see it like a game of Clue. So long as you’re safe and have at least one pal slightly less blacked, you should survive. But all too soon, you’ll start getting judgmental eyebrow raises from your married friends when you start talking about your blackout DFMO at brunch while they’re feeding their kids liquid beets. Let’s do this together and slowly–no one can go cold turkey on this one.
Apparently this is something chic, or what I like to call posh as fuck. I haven’t seen a single bra on any of the
boards women walking in New York Fashion Week. It’s couture–and reminiscent of the feminists who came before us, who decided to burn their torture devices. Plus, said sticks show off their nipples and it makes you want to buy the gauze they’re wearing for $1,500. At this point, for special occasions or slightly facny bars, it’s totally okay to go braless and show off the fact that you don’t have back rolls yet. In time, after babies and shit, those beautiful boobies which have solicited much pleasure for us– and others–will not be so helpful anymore. I don’t know a single woman who had just as nice a chest post-baby as pre-baby, so let them be free while you still can!
We won’t be able to get away with these forever, either. Do you want to be one of those MILFs wearing a crop top? God no. Even if you’re a hardo and still have abs in 10 years, don’t be that asshole who shows them off to the world. This piece of apparel perfectly toes the line between slutty and sexy, and for that, I will forever be grateful. As a girl with more of an “athletic” build, my options for clothing that don’t offend people are limited. The crop has been a true companion, but I know our time together is dwindling.
Hooking Up With Younger People
Ah, what a bittersweet thing. Let’s hope that once this “allowance” expires, it wouldn’t matter–because you’d be wifed up with some slightly older and more mature hottie. The stigmas surrounding age difference between partners is certainly fading, but soon, you’ll find that you actually have almost nothing in common with a 21-year-old. By nothing, I mean you’ll probably resent them more than you’re attracted to them, and resent-filled hook-ups should be saved only for exes.
Being A Lazy Blob On The Weekend
I have this inkling that our society doesn’t hold my preference for binge watching “House Of Cards” all day Saturday and Sunday in high regard. That being said, at this stage, we’re almost invisible to society. Take advantage. No one will even bat an eye when you say you ate Doritos all day and watched eight hours worth of Netflix. But you know what? That might not cut it soon. Your significant other will probably expect you to shower sometime between Friday afternoon and Monday morning. This person might even want to hang out and, like, go to a farmers’ market or something useless like that. Blob it up for as long as you can.
Having The Mouth Of A Sailor
A true millennial’s distinguished vocabulary is what separates us from the old-timers before us and the shitheads behind us who still say “epic” on a daily basis. I like to believe our generation is exceptionally creative in our creation and use of dirty words, both as insults and in general. As any of my 18 Instagram followers will tell you, my (saint of a) mother has quite a sailor’s mouth and I fully attribute mine to her. Soon though, when you actually have you start interacting with coworkers or meet possible in-laws, I’m not sure a big “Fuck me!” when something goes awry will be received well. Don’t let this opportunity slip away too soon.