It’s no secret that men and women communicate in completely different ways. If we could figure out how to translate each other and actually understand where the other was coming from, 99.9 percent of the fighting couples do would be non-existent and/or easily solvable. Girls need to stop beating around the bush, saying shit they do not mean, and guys need to actually listen. And not only after she says “babe” for the 17th time in a row.
But, to be fair, guys say a lot of stupid stuff without the assistance of anyone. For every girl lying about being “fine,” there is a guy who said something to spark that reaction in her. Think before you speak, gentlemen. Unless your couch really is that comfortable and you like rubbing one out while she fumes to Real Housewives and talks shit about you in a group text.
“Are you really wearing that?”
You wear khakis and a version of that J.Crew button down any time your t-shirts aren’t acceptable. And please, we’ve seen your cargo shorts. PEOPLE DON’T FORGET.
“Girls look better with no makeup.”
You don’t know what you’re talking about. You think you do because we have gotten so good at this “natural look” facade that you honestly believe in the #WokeUpLikeThis selfie. If you really saw what we looked like “naturally” with our greasy, messy buns, and at-home-spot-treatment, you would never have us. And besides, none of that is for you. You thinking that we look hot is a bonus. All of that contouring and eyelash curling is done so when we Instagram ourselves, Rachel from college comments with “LASHES. *heart eye emoji*.” Girls put in effort to impress other girls and gay men. It’s just the truth.
“I wasn’t thinking about anything.”
No woman understands how this is physically and mentally possible, and we all think it’s just a ploy so you can deflect us until we want to nit pick something else. The idea of thinking about nothing makes us tense up at just even the mere mention.
“That’s not how you do that.”
Unless you have been explicitly asked for your input, you just sound condescending. Sure, we might be totally messing up hooking up the surround sound, and we may look completely ridiculous trying to figure out which cords go where while simultaneously holding our phones with some eHow pulled up, but wait to be asked. Or figure out a way to say, “I’m happy to help” without making us feel like you’re offering to cut our sandwiches into cute little squares for us.
“Wait…you were actually mad?”
What gave it away? The exasperated sighing? The daggers currently coming from our eyes? Maybe the fact that we said, “You just pissed me off.” We know that you aren’t as dumb as you play, and you’re just hoping we would get mad at the bitch on Say Yes To The Dress with a $20,000 budget for her dress and forget about you being an ass. Again: PEOPLE DON’T FORGET.
“Jeez, you need to calm down. Relax.”
If this is said when she she got worked up because Jennifer tossed a side-eye at brunch and she’s overthinking it, fine. Totally valid. But if she was talking about an interest in politics, social issues, or something that’s just important to her and you decided to swoop on in and say something that could start a debate, you have no one to blame but yourself. And way to be patronizing, you dick. If you can’t handle the heat, sit there and just nod and smile next time. Or date the blow up doll you bought “as a joke” when you were 17 and not a real woman..
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