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These Dating Sites Should Exist

It is possible that you will meet the love of your life on eHarmony or Match.com. Eventually your whirlwind romance will settle down and you will star in a promotional commercial wearing an absurd date-night sweater–and then that’s it. You will wonder why you married someone based on some pseudo-personality inventory and musical preferences. I know that “character” and “interests” are important, but you know what is even more important than all of that? Netflix, meals, and song binging. The following proposed dating sites get to the real root of romance without any of the phony behavior that guides first dates.

Netflix Match

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Love is fleeting; Netflix is forever. You could waste your time finding someone on a dating site who is really into Elliot Smith covers and appreciates ski trips, or you could find your real soulmate: someone else who desperately needs to blitz through season five of “Dexter.” Netflix Match would find single people in your area who plan to watch the same shows as you. There is arguably nothing more important that show preferences in 2014 anyway, which makes the pros to this dating tool plentiful. First of all, you will quickly get to know each other because no Netflix binge lasts less than five hours. Secondly, sweatpants and yoga pants are encouraged first date attire. Lastly, you know you won’t date the worst type of person ever–the show spoiler. Ruining a season finale constitutes legitimate grounds for divorce, which is a risk you will never take with your Netflix Match.

Lunch Loners

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A woman eating a Chipotle burrito, alone in her car, during her lunch break, personifies the single life. You can pretend to pass the time by reading ancient receipts in your glove compartment for only so long before you realize that companionship will improve the quality of your life. The Lunch Loners dating site allows you to break away from eating lunch with your old pals, listening to *~*~College Spring Break Mix 4~*~*, and stale fries. Simply register your location and your restaurant of choice and let Lunch Loners find the lunch breaker soulmate for you. Life is too short to continue getting sad glances from high school students enjoying their off-campus lunches and noticing you eating alone in the parking lot. Pairing off with someone who has the same Chipotle burrito order is reason enough to get engaged, so ahead and enjoy those Raising Cane’s tenders with a side of cole slaw and a storybook romance.

Song Binge Soulmates

This is perhaps the most niche dating site that could ever exist, but for those with this affliction, it could be a lifesaver. Song Binge Soulmates would find you a date who also has the same song constantly stuck in his or her head. There is nothing more irritating than someone who will not stop humming, shower singing, or rhythmically tapping along to the same song 24/7, so this site would allow you to freely embrace your annoying musical habits. It can even be therapeutic for those suffering through a constant loop of the same commercial jingle. Theoretically, these song infections would cancel out and you could experience freedom from the binds of Gatti’s commercial tune. Personal aside, I have had the theme song from “My Date with the President’s Daughter” stuck in my head for approximately 15 years. I need this site to be real or I risk someone walking down the aisle to that theme song, enjoying my first dance to that song, and going to the grave as that song plays. I know that I am not alone in this melodic warp, and Song Binge Soulmates could be the answer to years of prayers.

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SloanePeterson

Brown rice. Black beans. Barbacoa. Both Salsas. Corn. Cheese. Guac. Lettuce.

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