Everyone has one. The office jerk comes in many forms: a “prankster” (read dickhead) gone too far, a bully, a snitch, or just someone that makes you dread your morning commute. Interacting with them is almost as enjoyable as sitting through a yearly evaluation. The office jerk is a very unpleasant person and these people are universally hated.
Human nature dictates there will never be harmony. The office jerk is the hero we neither need nor deserve. Hearing their name brings a cringe. If you work for a larger organization, there may even be more than one office jerk.
This is a deplorable act. Eating someone else’s food out of the fridge is a mortal sin. I prepare all of my food at home because I like to cook, and when some thief takes my pulled pork and brisket sandwich, my faith in humanity drops. There are many articles on people exacting revenge on their own vittles bandit that gives me hope. If you can’t trust your coworkers around your food, nothing is sacred. Some men just want to watch the world burn.
Bring Your Child To Work Day, Every Day
Bring your kids to work day is not something we celebrate. This jerk never got that memo. I know daycare is expensive, and sometimes there are school closings and other family emergencies, but this grade A bastard takes the cake. If you bring your kid to work, keep them in your damn office. A woman at my job brings her child into work, drops him off in my neck of the cubicle woods and goes back to her enormous office while he sneezes and coughs all over everything. He sings under his breath and goes on Google maps blasting top 40 garbage. Have some respect for your coworkers and don’t use others workspaces as “Happy Hills Nursery School.” The jerk store called, and they’re all out of you.
The Office Mole
No one wants to be at work. We do this to get some job experience to move on up the ladder. Sometimes, there just isn’t any work to be done, the boss has left, but it isn’t quite quitting time. I’m all for putting in my time, but when your buddy skips out early to hit the links and your group text buzzes looking for a 4th, the desire to leave trumps the “hard working millennial” image you’ve worked on for the past two years. This jerk scrutinizes you, asks where you’re going and throws in the “must be nice” line. You don’t know if they’re kidding, or if they’ve already got an email to the boss drafted. The only thing that comes to mind is “Fuck. You.”
“Whatcha got on your plate today?” This is fine among close coworkers, in fact, it is encouraged. But this person has nothing to do with your department and uses this to talk about whatever they are doing. While seeming innocuous, they only interact with you to hear the sound of their own voice. “That sounds great, we’re working on a huge government grant. I’ve been doing xyz”. No one cares, man. I didn’t ask and I don’t want to know.
Piss On The Floor/Don’t Flush Your Toilet
Nothing rustles my jimmies like this workplace Puck. When I was new, I got a facilities tour. Due to the expansive labyrinth I work in, I did my due diligence and found the closest shitter to my office. This hell hole was also the first place I dropped trou for my first big boy job turd. I dreamed about the moment when I could take a dump and be paid for it. Little did I know, the world had other plans. Some trickster decided that he’d piss all over the floor right where my pants were. Being naïve, I never thought someone would do such a thing, but wearing around some guys cold piss on my pants wasn’t in my first day of work plans. This guy and the “doesn’t flush the urinal so you get to smell stale piss” guy can go fist themselves.
Personal Call Sally
Unless it’s a family emergency, walk the 100 feet down the stairs and call your friend. I’m trying my hardest to get the quarterly reports finished, and I don’t want to hear about your neighbor’s infidelity. Don’t care. One bit. Take it outside.
The Obnoxious Dickhead
This person sucks in every aspect of life. You know them when you see them before they ever say a word. You know that guy that thinks he’s funny? Kills every single joke? The Rick James thing was funny ten years ago when Dave Chappelle did it. “That’s what she said” died when the Titanic sunk. I’m all for bringing out a gambit “oldie but goodie,” but there is something called tact, and this jerk does not have it. Fortunately, these types are usually loud enough to be heard down the hall, and if you keep absolutely still, they’ll leave you alone. Their vision is based on movement.
While 95% of my fellow office dwellers are wonderful people, the bad apples have spoiled the bunch. Fortunately, these people are a collective of all of the office jerks I’ve encountered and do not reflect my current work situation. Although, sometimes I wish my office would employ Terry Tate..
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