Since I started trying to lose weight a year and a half ago, I very rarely eat fast food. Occasionally, I indulge in pizza or a burrito, but the instances are few and far between. There’s one glaring exception – when I’m drunk. After I’ve had a few drinks, all notions of dieting go completely out the window, and I will pretty much eat anything I can get my hands on, no matter how unhealthy. One of my favorite drunk meals is the Chicken McNugget Extra Value Meal from McDonald’s, but pretty soon some folks in England won’t be able to indulge in my favorite drunk combo.
In a move that will likely cut profits by at least a zillion percent, a McDonald’s in Cambridge is requiring that visibly drunk customers take a breathalyzer before going to the 24 hour location. Anyone who blows more than a .08, which is twice the legal driving limit, won’t be able to go in and get the Big Mac their drunk self really wants but their hungover self will regret in the morning.
So why exactly is this location taking such unusual measures? To protect you from making poor food choices while inebriated? Ha, yeah right. More like they don’t want to you ruin the other guests’ dining experience with your drunk rendition of “Wagon Wheel.” According to FoxNews, the local police told the Mirror, “We want people to enjoy themselves, not have their night ruined.” Police also noted that anyone not allowed into the restaurant will be given an educational flyer on the dangers of excessive drinking. Because obviously a pamphlet will totally assuage my craving for McNuggets and fries with excessive amounts of barbeque sauce and make me rethink the alcohol consumption that brought on the yearning to begin with.
Students at the nearby Trinity College definitely have taken issue with the new policy. Student Declan Amphlett told his school paper, according to FoxNews, “This new measure is a flagrant and horrific violation of our human rights.” Yeah, that’s right Declan! We have a right to eat Grade-D hamburger meat at 2 a.m.! Never mind global warming and the wage gap, this is the issue of our generation! Our new BFF Declan went on to say, “We’ll have to resort to smuggling sandwiches into clubs like a really primary school version of the drugs trade.” Oh, now you lost me, buddy. It’s not exactly rocket science to sneak food in places – hell, I’ve been smuggling candy and soda into the movie theater for years. Plus, if you’re seriously interested in the drug trade, may I suggest you visit the nearest Taco Bell?
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