You’ve got one hand on her thigh and the other on the side of her head. Light kissing leads to a heavy makeout session and before you know it, you’re going from the couch to the bedroom and clothes are getting removed.
Her name is Alex, Lexi, Sarah, or some other super generic white girl name. She’s got corny shit plastered all over her walls and you scoff internally at a framed photo that just says “Live, Laugh, Love.” I mean what the fuck does that even mean? It really doesn’t matter. You’re ten minutes from sex.
That hand which was on her thigh just two minutes prior is now sneaking up between her legs. You lay onto your back and she does the same. Both of you rip your underwear off in frenzied euphoria as foreplay continues. And then something unexpected happens. She whispers “hold on, I have to pee,” and you laugh as you say, “okay, I’ll be here when you get back.”
As Samwise Gamgee would say, “We’ve been here before!” We’ve all been in this spot, and no one knows how to handle it. She’s in the bathroom peeing and freshening up, and you’ve got nothing to do. Your phone is on the other side of the room and you’re butt ass naked. Maybe it’s the middle of winter and since she’s twenty-something the heat isn’t on as high as it should be. Walking across the room naked would be miserable. Or maybe it’s summer. Either way, you’re not getting up to get your phone. This trip to the bathroom will take somewhere between two and five minutes tops.
So what do you do? You do what comes naturally. Human nature is a fickle bitch and it’ll make you do some strange things when you eliminate technology from your life. We all do it. It’s okay to admit it. As you lie there naked, thanking the Good Lord or whatever deity you pray to that you’re about to have intercourse, you smell the fingers that you just had inside that nice girl’s vagina.
Now don’t get me wrong. I would say 90 percent of the time your fingers won’t really smell like much of anything. Girls take care of their private parts. They scrub that area just as well as we do our lower half. I’m not calling anyone out in this column. Shit happens. Sometimes you haven’t had time to take a shower. Maybe you’re just smelling a little “gamey” as the old-timers like to say.
It’s a smell that is tough to describe. But it’s not a good smell. It’s a mixture of body odor and a hint of Summer’s Eve body wash or something of that ilk. You know the stuff that claims to have “p.h. balancing” ingredients? Yeah, that’s code for “this will make your vagina smell like a bowl of potpourri.” It isn’t pleasant. And as your friend with the hole in between her legs walks back into her room and climbs in bed, you don’t know what to do. She goes down on you and you want to return the favor. You really do. But that smell. Your attempts to not focus on it only amplify the situation. Somehow your nostrils have now become incredibly sensitive and the only thing you can think about is that unpleasant odor.
Is this a double standard? Possibly. I know that sometimes my balls probably don’t smell good, you know? But they also don’t smell bad. It’s tough to explain. The male anatomy is much easier to clean than the females. There isn’t a literal hole that you have to clean as a male. Any hole which isn’t properly cared for is going to smell bad. Whether that’s a hole in the ground, a hole in your couch where crumbs and dust collect, or a vagina where sweat, trace amounts of semen, and a million other things can find a home.
I’m not saying this criticism is fair. It’s just the way of the world. The amount of shit that women have to go through to clean themselves and look “presentable” is downright ridiculous. But that’s the world we live in, and I’m just one man. I can’t change what we consider bad smells and good smells.
So how do you tell a girl that you can’t go down on her until she washes up? Short answer? You can’t.
There is no good way to tell a girl that her vagina stinks. You have to suck it up and go down on her anyways. Sure, you don’t have to. But you kind of have to. Plug your nose. You can do it without the help of your fingers on your nostrils. It’s difficult because your mouth will be occupied, but you took swim lessons as a young chap. Hold your breath for as long as you can. Do that for a few minutes and try to forget about the fact that her vagina kind of smells like a pair of gym socks. You’ll be swimming inside of her soon enough, and by that point, you won’t care. All vaginas feel like an 11 out of 10. Just don’t focus on that smell..
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