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There Aren’t Enough Flame Emojis To Describe Last Night’s ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ Trailer

There Aren't Enough Flame Emojis To Describe Last Night's 'Bachelor in Paradise' Trailer

Before I get to the reason why you’re here (which is the Bachelor in Paradise trailer that forced me to take a cold shower this morning), I want to quickly give a few thoughts on last night’s Bachelorette finale. Absolutely wild night of television. Okay, maybe not the whole three hours, but the end was insane. Like, basically last Sunday’s GoT episode where nothing happened for the majority of the time and then all of a sudden, BANG BOOM POW shit started to pop off.

Has anyone’s stock (besides Twitter, of course) crashed and burned faster than Rachel Lindsay’s? I mean, we loved her every second of every day, and then all of a sudden she chooses her back up, her B-plan, her contingency, all because normal Peter didn’t wanna pop the question and give out an atrocious Neil Lane ring after knowing a girl for, like, eight weeks. So Rachel went with the lunatic fringe playboy from Miami who was ready for a proposal but clearly Rachel had stronger feelings for Peter. Anyone with half a brain could see that. And the way she accepted Bryan’s proposal? Worst acting job since Vince Vaughn in True Detective Season 2.

Then when we had to awkwardly watch as Rachel and Peter sat on Dr Phil’s Chris Harrison’s couch, she went all scorched earth revenge on him, basically MURDERING his chances of being The Bachelor, by saying he wasn’t “right for this process.” And yeah, maybe while that’s true, the dude clearly gave us enough material to make him a compelling nominee. I’m also shocked that Bryan could watch the exact same show that we did last night and think “yeah, she loves me. This is going to go well.” Um, no. They’ll be separated before Christmas. The whole thing was bananas in pajamas.

But the night culminated with the porn BiP trailer. It’s amazing. “Hot” doesn’t begin to describe it. It drips passion. It drips romance explosion. It screams tears of love triangles cultivated over the course of ten fucking days. Remember how I said I would be passing? Welp, this trailer has me alllll the way back in.

Take a look.

How about them just charging into the DeMario/Corinne sitch and taking bad publicity and making it compelling TV? Veteran move. Sets the stage for drama.

And then we actually get into the show, and it. looks. awesome. Dean and Kristina? Are you serious? Hottest couple since Brady and Gisele. Just a couple of crazy kids who are hotter than Satan’s nutsack, a couple of scud missiles on a collision course. Get that popcorn ready.

How about Adam and Matt actually getting a chance to talk on TV? And chicks seem to be diggin’ it. We’ve got Robby playing Raven and Amanda against each other. We’ve got the twins back. We’ve got Jasmine going all LA Laker girl in the hot tub. We’ve got Daniel the Canadian looney tune wearing an outrageous g-string. We’ve got Jack Stone somehow getting it in with that cutie from Nick’s season whose name escapes me right now and I’m too lazy to go looking for it but she’s cute as a button.

See you freak-a-leaks next Monday.

For more about last night’s idiocy Bachelorette finale, listen to and subscribe to Touching Base who recapped the whole thing. Subscribe on iTunes and SoundCloud.

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Boston Max

Spending my retirement fund at Trader Joe's and trying to remember to check my mailbox semi-regularly

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