Fashion Week Daily, a fashion-oriented website that’s definitely aimed at people not named Will deFries, did the unthinkable by interviewing an anonymous and wealthy 10-year-old who lavishly spends his summers in The Hamptons. After reading his answers that propel him into the same dickhead territory as Jaden Smith, I asked myself why his parents would ever put up with this behavior and let him talk like this. But after reading and re-reading it, I soon realized that we only have his nanny to blame.
Per Fashion Week Daily, all of the original text is in quotes. After expressing that he doesn’t like typical “kid things,” the interviewer asked what type of events he enjoyed most.
What kind of events?
Well, last summer, I went to Author’s Night in East where I saw Beth Stern and Giada De Laurentiis. I got Giada to sign her cookbook, but I haven’t had my nanny try anything in it yet. They didn’t even have water at the event—only champagne. It wasn’t the most kid-friendly event.
You didn’t “get” Giada to sign her cookbook — you showed up to a book signing and got the exact same treatment as everyone else. And I get it, you’re refined and mature for your age. That’s cool and all. But why are you going to cookbook signings? What’s your angle here?
What are the responsibilities of your nanny?
When she picks me up, she has to bring my phone. Every day she has to charge my phone to 99 percent; I don’t want to overcharge it. She stays with me when my mom is away. I’m a little bit demanding and picky. I’m specific about my food. If the cherry has something in it, like a seed, I don’t want it. I like everything in order. My nanny is also the only person who can touch my gadgets, because she cleans up my room. She also organizes my colognes and combs.
Okay, a lot to cover here. When you described yourself as “a little bit demanding and picky,” you do realize that you preceded that by saying you force your nanny to charge your phone to 99 percent for fear of overcharging it, right? Secondly, cherries don’t have seeds, bro. Third, who even says the word “gadgets” anymore? Are you a grandpa trying to describe an iPhone?
Finally, and most importantly, we need to confront your colognes and combs. I take zero issue with a nanny organizing these things for you. After all, that’s what she’s there to do. But as a 10-year-old, why do you have plural amounts of colognes and combs? What type of program are you running?
When are your favorite restaurants?
I just tried Beautique, which I’d recommend. I had the filet mignon. Every morning we go to the Golden Pear for an iced coffee.
I’m not going to fault this little twerp for ordering the second-most expensive thing on the menu, because 10-year-old Will deFries attempted to do that every single time he went out to dinner. But, I am going to fault the parents for allowing him to get it. After all, he probably asked his fucking nanny to cut it for him before eating it while baseball-gripping his fork.
And yes, I did look up Beautique’s dinner menu to see what was on there.
What’s your hobby?
I don’t really do kid activities. I’m interested in technology and computers. I enjoy going to polo with my dad. I consider myself a kidult.
Newsflash, bro: technology and computers are kid things. You’re probably playing Clash of Clans on your 99%-charged iPhone 10S that your parents got via a friend-of-a-friend of Steve Jobs. Oh, and if you’re going to refer to yourself by a compound word, start with “shithead” instead of “kidult.” It’s more fitting.
Any ladies in your life?
I’m a popular guy. I get prank called a lot. Most of my friends don’t date. I get followed a lot by girls. Like, literally—they follow me around and try to touch me.
Where would you go on a date in the Hamptons?
A ride in a Porsche would be cool.
Do you think the girl would like that kind of date?
I’ve never thought of that.
This kid’s self awareness is so lacking that he thinks getting prank called is an honor. Guess what, little guy? Your friends hate you because you wear cologne. And why you’d ever want to cram yourself in the back of a tiny Porsche with a girl who you’re afraid to let touch you is beyond me.
What’s the most mature thing about you?
Probably everything. Many people don’t know what they’re going to do in the future, but I’m determined to figure out how to get that done.
“Probably everything,” is not how self-proclaimed “determined” people field questions about their maturity.
Who is the most fascinating person you’ve ever met?
Jonathan Cheban. It was really, really cool. He was eating at 75 Main, and his security was there; there was a group of seven teenage girls who wanted his picture. He looks really different in person. My idol, though, is Scott Disick. He’s really cool. He’s the whole package. He has cars. Lots of them.
Dude. Jonathan Cheban is. not. cool. Just listen to how you described him: “There was a group of seven teenage girls who wanted his picture.” Can’t you just be a normal, cool kid that looks up to Tom Brady or something?
Mad respect for your gravitation to Disick though. I, personally, cannot wait to see what he’s got in store for us now that he’s single.
What’s your allowance?
It’s $350 a month, but if I run out, I’ve memorized my mom’s credit card number so I’m covered.
What do you spend it on?
Lunch, Starbucks, gadgets. I also do Postmates three times a week in the city. My mom never knows it’s coming until it arrives. In the Hamptons, I like Surf Shop, but I don’t know how to surf.
That’s peanuts, bro. You couldn’t live a day in my life on that sort of budget. You’d be lacking so much lunch, so much Starbucks, and so many gadgets. And Postmates three times a week? Child, please. I did Postmates three times on Saturday alone. When I’m low-key faded on beers mid-weekend, I’m not running the risk of getting a DUI. But, you can probably afford that, can’t you?
What are your chores?
I don’t have any. I just relax. My nanny does everything. My friends don’t really have chores either.
Thank God you get that much-needed relaxation time from your daily grind, man. It must be exhausting trying to recollect all the numbers to your mom’s stolen credit card when you’re trying to by all your gadgets online.
Do you think someday you’ll ever mow a lawn?
I highly doubt it. I’ll hire someone to do that.
Taken the garbage out?
I can’t deal with the smell.
I hate myself for respecting this and nodding in agreement.
What designers do you wear?
My favorites are Hugo Boss and Lacoste. That’s basically it. My mom has to travel to Europe to get me Hugo because it isn’t sold in the U.S. for kids. I’m a picky dresser. I get my shoes custom-made. I had a Vans phase because I was really into skateboarding. I have this 14-karat-gold skateboard that I got for my birthday, but I grew out of that stage.
No one wears Hugo Boss and Lacoste anymore, Vans aren’t just for skateboarding (I know because I just bought some two weeks ago and 21-year-old girls love them), and you deserve all the scraped knees in the world from falling off that damn 14-karat-gold skateboard.
For this kid’s full interview without commentary from a jealous 28-year-old dude who currently wishes he was vacationing in The Hamptons, head here. .
Image via Shutterstock