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The Worst Ways To Fill Out Your March Madness Bracket

It’s that time of year. Brackets are being distributed around the office, money is being collected and the person who has watched the least amount of college basketball is going to take home the $300 dollar office pot. It’s time to throw conventional wisdom out of the window.

By Animal, Mascot, Or Food Chain

7-stanford-tree-mascot-creepiest-college-football-mascots

Animals don’t play basketball, idiot. They lack the opposable thumbs required to run a matchup zone defense–although I would love to see a pack of wildcats play against a bunch of tigers. Entertainment for all, but the games would end in 0-0 ties, and the children in attendance would be scarred for life as poor rams, blue jays, and chanticleers had their limbs torn off by gators and bruins, were trampled by buffaloes and longhorns, and then tormented by two different types of devils. Choose teams that have human mascots: cavaliers, cowboys, friars, minutemen. That’s the best course of action.

School Colors

Indiana v Syracuse

Much like animals, colors cannot play basketball, either. Are you going by your favorite color? You’re SOL if your favorite color is pink. And if you go with blue, you’re in even more trouble because three of the four number one seeds have blue as their primary color. Will you distinguish between shades of each color? Navy over powder blue? Crimson over cardinal? Your system is flawed.

Famous Alumni

Barack_and_Michelle_Obama_kissing_at_a_basketball_game

Obama went to Harvard and those guys never get past the first round. Good luck with that. Paul Rudd went to Kansas, but Kansas is in the same bracket as Stanford, UCLA, Syracuse, and Florida. So if you think P-Rudd can upset Tiger Woods, Tom Skerrit, Taye Diggs, and Bob Vila, you’re going to be sorely disappointed after the first weekend.

Hottest Student Body

NCAA First Round ? Oregon v Miami (OH)

Every school has hot people. Again, flawed logic. Sure, there are some schools (*cough* every 14, 15, and 16 auto-bid from a smaller conference *cough*) that might not stack up against the likes of Arizona and Oregon, but have you ever met an alum from Wofford? The hottest girl or guy you’ve ever seen in real life might have gone to North Dakota State. You just don’t know.

By Alma Mater

marshall_hendersonauburn

Odds are, your alma mater is going to get stomped in the first or second round and ruin your entire bracket. Unless you went to a school that’s sitting pretty with a top seed, it’s best that you just accept the reality of your mediocrity and bite the bullet. Unless you went to school in the ACC, Big 12, Pac-12 or Big Ten, you’re screwed. Notice how I didn’t mention the SEC. If you went to an SEC school, congrats on not having to pick against your alma mater–chances are, your squad didn’t even make the tournament. Spring practice started last week, anyway. Only 164 days until kickoff, baby.

By The Numbers

Screen Shot 2014-03-17 at 1.02.42 PM

What makes March Madness mad is the ever present threat of a mind-blowing upset: Wofford over Duke, NC State over Houston, Valpo over Ole Miss, Norfolk State over Mizzou (cringe). It goes on and on and on. It’s why Gus Johnson has a seven-figure contract with FOX Sports, and why sports bars all across America see their bathroom repair costs skyrocket come mid-March. Picking straight up by the numbers is a fool’s errand and will have you crying like Adam Morrison before the Sweet 16.

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Brian McGannon

What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.

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